Give me a few months to figure this out? #100Days

5,247 words

You'll only receive email when 6_618 publishes a new post

190522 #100Days

Day 13. I guess it really is a bad number.


Was too tired to watch anything yesterday. Flatmates felt similar. We almost all just fell asleep on the couch last night.

We finally have a fixed period for our reshoot. It's next week already. I just paid all the film-insurance. As long as the weather doesn't fuck us over, we're going to be just fine. And even though there's a lot of bad blood because of the money-thing, I hope it's still going to be fun. I'll make sure to record some making of footage you're never going to get to see;)


When are you just acquaintances?
Where does friendship start?
When do you move from acquaintance to friends? And back?
Where does acquaintance and friendship end?
What is the opposite of friendship? Hostility?
And in that confusing spectrum. Where the fuck are WE, right now?

WE = a female friend of mine. And me. About the same age.

We know each other for about five years. We've worked on a number of projects together. We have a very similar circle of friends, so naturally we see each other a lot. We've even been on vacation together!
That being said we are very different. She's frustratingly conservative and intolerant at times. I usually ignore this because I don't have many friends and isn't this what friendship is all about? Just accepting each other and each others shortcomings?

She's also very easily provoked. And people know and love that about her. It's an absolute joy to tease her and make fun of her in countless ways, because her reactions are always so satisfying. It's all done in good friendly spirit of course. Sometimes somebody overdoes it. But it rarely happens.She was single for a long time, then had a relationship, failed spectacularly and is now single again.
Then I fell in love with her.

I knew she's not interested. So I never said anything about it. To anybody. Ever. I swallowed it down. I started working out. It didn't help. I worked harder. It didn't help. I tried to get closer to her, spend more time together, get to know her friends, become good friends with her. Maybe even more than just good friends? It didn't work.

Time passed. What happens after you realize that things are not going to turn out the way you imagined them to go? I got angry. I knew it was childish and doesn't do me any good. But I still couldn't help it. So every now and then I'd get a little bit more aggressive. I provoked, I teased. And she's used to it and I'd get my quick satisfying outbreak of meaningless anger. But it's not enough. So I keep going. And it works. She gets pissed of at me for a while. We have less contact for a few weeks.

And then we meet again and it's fine really. She's maybe a bit confused, asks if everything is ok. I don't say anything. I mean really - what the fuck am I supposed to say? "Yeah sure. I actually fell in love with you about a year ago but I'm getting over it at the moment and am currently stuck somewhere between the anger, bargaining and depression stage of the Kübler-Ross model?!"
Nooo. I'm fine. It's fine! It's just. Just Work! Or something! Eventually she gives up and talks to somebody else. Thank fuck.

Time passed again. We got different jobs, different projects, we would still see each other from time to time, but never talked much. I wasn't interested. Sometimes she worried about me again. I should have been flattered, but I was just annoyed by her constant questions. I stayed silent. At this point I thought I was finally over her. I didn't imagine being physically close to her in daydreams anymore. I've accepted the fact that we are different, that whatever I was feeling at the time wouldn't have worked out anyways and that we will never be anything more than friends. Yay. I did it! I'm finally an adult!

Time passes again. She starts a new major project. She's constantly stressed as fuck.
A few days ago she posted something in the group chat. That chat is basically my entire circle of friends. She posts something conservative, something intolerant and it really pisses me of. So I answer. My answer is mean and offending and … honestly very unlike me.
And this time it's different. She demands an apology. I ignore her. She doesn't show up to the next party. People start acting weird when they talk about her. Eventually I find out that it really is my fault. She's still waiting for her fucking apology! She's so pissed that she has pretty much complained about this to every mutual friend we have. But she has sworn all of them to absolute secrecy - because I'm supposed to realize myself that I have to apologies.

I'm busy. Yes. For real. I'm actually busy for a few days and can't write her. At least not if whatever I'm going to write is going to mean anything to her. Also I don't know what to say. I honestly meant all of what I said! Sure. It was offending and after re-reading the entire chat conversation, I had suddenly interrupted with my outburst of violent opinion, I do realize I had slightly misunderstood the conversation.
But really, more than anything else I just don't want to be bothered. I just can't pretend like I want to be friends with her anymore. I just don't want to answer.
Of course I feel bad. I didn't mean to hurt her. At least not in retrospect. Maybe at the time that was exactly what I wanted. But I can't just ignore her. Because at this point everyone I'm friends with knows about this weird conflict. Most try to stay neutral. Most, if now everybody notes how silly it all is. Everybody tells me to "just apologies".

So eventually I sit down for an hour and another and another. I've never been good at talking. Otherwise I would have just called. So I write. I write an apology letter. I make sure its objective, it's personal, it lays out why I feel the way I do, why I reacted how I reacted, I apologies about my offensive words, about misunderstanding, about the fact that I never responded until now.

An hour later I get an answer. It's very long but still obviously written in less than ten minutes. She says she's still really hurt and disappointed. She would have never said anything like that to one of her friends. She still accepts my apology.

I'm not sure if I should be glad or disappointed that she did.

190521 #100Days

Day 12. I won't have much time today.


The last episode of Game of Thrones. I'm glad it's over and tbh. I already don't miss it anymore. I guess if you liked the second to last episode this was probably a fitting ending. But I'm rather disappointed with how fast and harsh the whole story was brought to an sudden end. Jamie's decision to return to his sister, Danny's decision to suddenly become a villain is just not justified at all and completely contradicts their previous Character Arcs.

There's also another thing I'd like to write about. Something about friendship, conflict and women. But that has to wait for tomorrow.

190520 #100Days

Day Eleven. The Day Dan and David will disappoint me.

but first:


by the Coen Brothers. Edited by the glorious Roderick Jaynes! This one I really liked! It's plays around with a ton of spy movie tropes, has a pretty massive A-List cast and has the classic Coen Brothers dark humor that we all love and live for. Ok, you don't have to live for it. But it's not the worst thing to live for either. Constantly pissed of John Malkovich was fucking great in this movie!
So, this was fun, but it's also just another Coen Brothers movie. That's not a bad thing. Almost all Coen Brothers are great. But it's not a movie I need to watch again.

I used to really care about GoT, I used to listen to a ton of podcasts, read the books, watch youtube channels about the show, Interviews with the actors and writers. But somehow this entire season made that stop. In the last two episodes they just neglected so many character arcs, so many choices didn't make sense anymore. Maybe I should get drunk for this episode. I never had a whiskey sour. I'm gonna have a Whiskey sour tonight! And I'm probably going to hate it. Just like the last episode of Thrones.

190519 #100Days

Day 10. The day I lost money.


by Andrey Zvyagintsev. I was 15 minutes into Loveless and already felt like shit for having such a insanely privileged childhood compared to that boy. This one's pretty sad and depressing.
I also realized that I have a ton of false and racist preconceptions agains Russia and the Russian people. So to see that voluntary search and rescue team do everything they can to find the missing boy was delightful. Even though their routine was surely built up over the course of hundreds other kids gone missing. They almost felt more empathic and caring towards the boy then his parents. I really was the only act of love in the entire movie. A hidden love letter to the Russian people, at least the ones who still care, who still try to do whats right.
The friend who recommended this movie said that at the end even the parents are unhappy in their new relationship again. When we meet the grandmother of the kid and understand how she never gave any love to her daughter, you start to understand. And at the end "this cycle of lovelessness" just continues. She's probably right. But I don't like that ending. I choose to see hope in this world. I choose to believe in a world where people have a chance to become happy again.
I'm suddenly reminded of Westworld. Dolores used to say: "Some people choose to see the ugliness in the world. I choose to see the beauty." And see where it let her. … Ok, enough depressive film talk.

Today is a beautiful day! The heating is broken again, but it's fine because it's finally getting warmer in Germany. Cloudless sky, premature new election in Austria that hopefully removes some nazis out of parliament and my new oolong tea arrived yesterday. Things are looking up! Time for 40 minutes of Duolingo! Fuck me, it used to be 15 min a day.

You know, I think it's boring for me to just repeat the things I do almost every day again and again on this blog. Now I just need to do interesting things to write about.


There is not a single more effective killer for creativity and motivation than discussions about budget, payments and money. This entire day was just that. I giant, frustrating, annoying, nonsensical fight about money. This entire day was a waste of time. If there's anything I learned from this, it to always talk thrice about money and budget before spending any of it. And thb. it's probably not the worst idea to take the fucking time to write a fucking contract. Even when you're just three silly film students, trying to make a short film.
I think something changed inside me today. I've been very silent throughout most of the conversations. Mostly because I noticed that I wasn't thinking straight and I was scared of saying something I'd regret later. But in reality the situation is quite easy: Somebody owes me and a friend of mine money and is refusing to pay it back. How much you ask? About as much as I would make working for two weeks. So not a huge amount, but still. The question is: Will we make sure there are consequences or should we just ignore the financial pain, finish the film and never fucking work with him again? I don't know. Right now I'm just kinda pissed, but it feels like we're going to give him a pass and that makes me even more pissed. Tomorrow emotions will have faded.

190518 #100Days

Day Nine. Pancake day!


by John Hughes. Same guy who directed Home Alone. Funny eighties movie. I feel like I would have liked it more ten years ago, but it was entertaining.
I finally fully understand all the references they did in the Club of Misfits, Critical Role Special! (https://youtu.be/2MKE78FweGA) That's all I could think of. Also was interrupted by flatmates suddenly deciding to build a pillow fort. It looked miserable. But we felt like Kings under the Kitchen Table!
But I have to say I didn't by the ending at all! Nor did I like it! You know? Where they ended up as two couples kissing in front of their parents and a lonely nerd who did their essay. That's just the eighties, I guess?

Today the weather is fucking fantastic! I woke up, saw the sunlight, opened the curtains and just started the day by sunbathing in my bed for an hour. Flatmate A made a smoothie, flatmate R is still asleep. I felt like spending money, so I ordered a new blanket and cover for my bed. Because, honestly, I've been sleeping in the same two fabrics for the last five years. It's time to get something new. Made myself some pancakes. Life is good.

190517 #100Days

Day 08. Oh! Look! It's my favorite number!


by Darren Aronofsky. I think I liked it? I absolutely loved they whay they told the story! To combine the plot of her manuscript with their own journey through life and death is beautiful. I watched a non HD version and I'm not sure if that's a good thing because the bad CGI didn't look as shit, just blurry, but well, everything looked kinda blurry too. We really have come a long way since DVDs.
I really dislike the message of the movie. To just accept death and the fact that it's a normal thing, that is just natural.
Sure. Everything has to end, I guess that is how our universe is built after all. But there is absolutely no reason why we humans shouldn't try to live as long as we can. I don't want to grow old, I don't want to die at the age of 80. We eradicated Smallpox! So why not eradicate Death?! CGP Grey did a great video about this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C25qzDhGLx8
So. I liked the movie, I didn't like it's message and unnecessary spirituality and I don't think I ever have to watch it again.

Did some errands, Duolingo, texted with a bunch of people. Not a particularly productive day. Tomorrow will be different. Fun evening with my flatmates. I'm so fucking happy I don't live alone anymore.

190516 #100Days

Day Seven. Well look at meee! That's a week!


Instead enjoy this baby fox: https://i.redd.it/3hyt47cf3bu21.jpg

Instead I wanted to write down my personal experience with three dating apps. I used and still use Tinder, Bumble and OkCupid. I should probably clarify first that I live in Germany, I am a heterosexual male and I was always just looking for a serious relationship. But if there's anything I learned on the ten dates with eight women I've been on this year, it's that it's better to just figure out if you like each other first and worry about what kind of relationship it's going to be later.
All those eight lovely and very different women (all between 20 and 30) were nice, calm and we always had a good time. I invited two of them for a second date and both respectfully declined. Another two asked me for a second date and we had a nice second date and at the very least I think I have gained two new friends. idk. maybe more in the future. The other four were uninterested in me and I felt the same.


I've been on Tinder for a while now and I fucking hate it. The app is buggy as fuck, people are boring and the gamification aspect drives me crazy. It is way to simple to get more matches and was to fun to swipe left and right, than actually take the time to write to somebody, give them their full attention and focus. It is very unpersonal, in the last six months no more than five women ever wrote to me - that must be out of idk. maybe 250 matches? Most women on Tinder seem very unattractive to me, way too many shitty instagram beauty filters. Almost nobody has a profil description, so even if you get a match you really can't write anything personal to start a conversation unless they have some interesting pictures. I feel like
I recently purchased Tinder gold for a month, just because it kept telling me that I still have so many likes that I haven't matched back. - Turns out! Literally all of them are weird spam accounts like 3000 km away. So that wasn't worth the money.


Basically Tinder, but you can personalize your profile a bit more. But mots important: Women HAVE to write first. Then you HAVE to respond. Both in 24 hours. If either doesn't happen you automatically get unmatched. This simple feature makes this so much better than Tinder because it actually creates conversations. Some still just write "Hi". I usually just unmatch those because we would just be wasting each others time. But when a woman sparks a conversation and actually seems interested we would almost always end up on a date. Not that many users though.


This one's different. And I think I like it? You can still swipe left and right, but you don't have to wait for a match. Everybody can write to everybody at any time. You can do quite elaborate searches, based on location, interest, age, looking for, and many others. The app recommends people to you by calculating a score in %. You increase the accuracy by answering as many out of a never ending list of question as you want. Usually these questions are quite easy to answer (Yes/No) but you can add a comment or explanation to any answer you want. Questions are really about any kind of topics, you can skip any question you don't want to answer.
And let's be honest. It's really just a bunch of silly questions. There is only one way to get to know a person and that is in person. So one shouldn't care too much about this. But it's interesting to brows through somebody's answers and see where you agree and disagree. But it's usually even more interesting to look someones profile. Now. Building that profile will take time, especially if you want it to be good. But in my opinion this is by far the best aspect of okc.
All three people I have written with for more than a day on this platform, I have met in person and one is a good friend of mine now. I do have like 30 matches that haven't written me and I haven't found the time. So there is that gamification tinder problem again where the app wants you to find new people but doesn't really encourage you enough to engage with your matches. But I guess that's also due to my current laziness. I think I have online dating burnout. So I've been taking a small break from all this madness. Okc will stay on my iPhone though. That's for sure.

There are many other things I learned about dating. And people. Most will probably sound obvious to you. But I am a freshly born kitten caught in the Hurricane of Dating. See you tomorrow.

190515 #100Days

Day Six. The Day I had time, but still didn't write.


Instead enjoy watching this hedgehog stretch: https://i.imgur.com/ORJOZSx.gifv

Repeat one listening "Not Too Late" to by Lemaitre. But the entire EP is pretty fun too.

The day started slow and will stay slow. I slept, listened to some GoT podcasts being disappointed, watched some youtube. Started playing "A Plague Tale: Innocence" - so far I'm liking it. Funny night with my flatmates. I'm so happy I'm not living alone anymore. Duolingo automatic streak repair. Now I can't fuck up until June first.

190514 #100Days

Day 05 - The Day I just don't have time! This one's going to be short.


My god. So much destruction. Kingslanding is gone, some Characters have died, Cleganebowl has happened and some much character development has just been absolutely ignored! Fuck me! I'm glad they did something unexpected, something out of the ordinary. But this wasn't good. This was disappointing.

Worked on our movie today. Things are moving forward. Reshooting might happen next week. Will do some Duolingo now and then go to bed.

190513 #100Days

Day Four. The day I started to struggle, but still found the time to write. Yay!

Last nights movie was:


Fuck. That was beautiful.
I felt all sad, feel-good, warm and fuzzy inside. Like I haven't in a very very long time. This is the greatest movie I've watched this year. Go seen this movie! It's Hungarian. Watch it with original nungarian audio and english subtitles. Seriously. Watch it now.! Stop fucking reading this! This movie is amazing!
Recommended by a new friend of mine. Met her online. Kind of a long story that I won't get into today. But for all the difficulties I've had with her and she had with me. I'm honestly so happy I have stayed with her and didn't just give up on our friendship. She has a great taste in films and culture in general. I'm glad I met her.

Today is Monday. In Europe this stands for Game of Thrones Day! Tonight we (my flatmates and a few friends) will watch the second to last episode in out flat. I made self-made chocolate ice cream. We may get some dinner first.

Texting with somebody on bumble (another fucking dating platform) again. She has just started watching GoT. People are weird.

I guess at this point I should officially inform my dear nonexistent readers that I am looking for a girlfriend. No open relationship, no "ONS" as they call it online, just two people loving each other (one should be me).
Ok, maybe also like a friendship+ kinda deal. But that's really unrealistic. I think?

Started another export of our current edit of the student film I'm working on. render time is four hours for 26 min of short film. Mostly because of .exr sequences which take a long as time to read of hard drives, plus a bunch of effects work has already been done. Made some small edit changes too. I don't like them, but this is teamwork after-all. Democracy is when you're never entirely happy, but it's usually still ok.

I'm really worried about tonights episode of GoT. I like to pretend that I'm not that emotionally invested into things, like I'm a cool guy. At least I used to try to be "cool" for a long time. Now I'm starting to see the benefit of showing emotion and the things you get back from people in return.
I feel like once this show ends I might fall into a depressive phase of "oh nooo, GoT is over, what is there left to live for. Why even work in media? Everything good has already been written, shot, edited and consumed!". Spelling that out makes it sound very stupid. But finishing a show you've been with for almost 10 years? - It's going to feel like having to say goodbye to a friend forever. The friend is not about to die, but you are 100% sure, you're never going to see him again.

I also feel like I'm not going to enjoy the ending.
The thing that made GoT famous was …
btw: !!!SPOILERS!!!
The thing that made GoT famous was that they had the balls to kill their main character at the end of their first season. And the thing that GoT has lost over the course of it's next seven seasons are those balls. Those juicy, hairy, big ass balls!
Here I am watching the last season and enjoying it, sure some poltholes, some weird choices, but I trust the Double-Ds (the Showrunners)! But all I find myself hoping for is for a main character to die again. Imagine John any Danny just being killed within the first episode of the last season. Fans would be outraged! And the show would be breathtakingly exciting again! Just imagine!

Still. Looking forward to it. And I wont be alone, but surrounded by friends while watching. That is worth more than anything else anyways.

190512 #100Days

Day Three on the most boring blog the internet has probably ever seen?


was surprisingly funny. Like I never knew they would portrait him as such a, well, idiot. It's made for a bunch of really funny and unexpected scenes. Also. Sylvester Stallone looked really good in that movie. I've never seen him this young before. I think I get why people still come to those steps in Philadelphia. It's one of the best underdog stories I've ever seen, but I'm still fifty-ish years to young to fully appreciate. I've also never really understood the attraction of boxing or boxing movies. I think Rocky even says this in the movie: "Boxing is for idiots." (no exact quote)

Sent the mothers day text. She responded. Did some backups. Listened to some ASMR. Finally decided to leave my bed quarter past twelve. Lets take a shower, get some food, then figure out what the fuck to do today.

45 minutes of Doulingo. I'm starting to hate this language. But I'm gonna keep going! Maybe I should watch some french movies, just to start to get used to it.

Watched some youtube. Listened to some podcasts. Listened to some music. Texted with friends on whatsapp. Very spontaneously decided to watch "On body and soul" this evening.

190511 #100Days

Day 02. In the Ghost Blog.
OH GOD! Standart Notes just crashed!
And we're back.

So. I was very convinced until like a second ago, that today's Mothers Day. Almost told my mother I appreciated her existence one day too soon! Just imagine!
Instead I made myself some cereal and the last bits of Qing Xin Oolong Black Tea. Bye bye Qing Xin it's been good tasing your fruity but complex tones.
You know what? I could just write my mothers day text now. Then I only need to send it tomorrow!

// Hey Mama. Alles Gute zum Muttertag! Ich hab dich lieb.

Huh. Maybe a bit short and dull? Well. Now I feel like a bad child. Let's add something to look forward to, maybe?

// Hey Mama. Alles Gute zum Muttertag! Ich hab dich lieb. Ich bin spätestens ab dem 10. Juni wieder in München, dann können wir was zusammen unternehmen.

Better. But somehow not concrete enough. Maybe add a real idea of what to do? Also don't just send a text but spark a small conversation? The "Hey" sounds kinda silly too.

// Hallo Mama. Alles Gute zum Muttertag! Ich hab dich lieb. Wie gehts dir? Ich bin ab dem 10. Juni wieder in München, dann können wir was zusammen unternehmen. Auf dem neuen Riesenrad fahren würde ich auch gerne sobald ich wieder da bin. Du kannst ja mal berichten ob sich das lohnt, falls ihr schon vorher damit fährt.

Yeah. I mean. Not perfect. Not at all perfect. But something to continue working on tomorrow morning. Am I a robot trying to be human?

Next up: I have to write three things.

  1. ask on FB for a Illustrator (we (my filmteam (me and two other german dudes)) need to find an illustrator who's willing to create some textures for various 3D Objects that will be integrated into the movie we're currently working on)
  2. ask for a Illustrator via email (same as above)
  3. write a rejection email to a composer who's been trying to reach me for a few days now and I never picked up the phone (I hate phone calls with people I don't know.)

So lets do that.

Two hours later and I have actually done all of those things.

Next up: 30 min of me failing at french using Duolingo. Check.

I also decided to write that girl again. You know, the one I've been on two dates with? And I'm pretty sure she likes me, and I like her, and I keep inviting her on another date, and she never has time? Yeah, I haven't told you about that one yet. You might hear from her again at some point in the future. At least I hope so. Because by god, my dates are not going well. But thats a topic for another day.

Started listening to ARCHIVE again. Haven't heard of then since I discovered them in - i think - 2012, when they were featured in the first Cyberpunk 2077 Teaser. Not convinced yet. But I'll keep listeing.

Cooked some Food. Cleaned the kitchen. Watched some Youtube. Did some VFX prep work on the student film I'm currently working on. Now I've spent another three or so hours organizing shots and locations for or upcoming reshoot. I'm still not done with that, but tomorrow I think I'll have a much better overview of what still needs to be done to finally finish that beast of a movie.

What film should I watch today evening? Currently trying to watch one movie every day. I am a film student after all. So. Aronofskys The Fountain? Alps by Lanthimos? or Rocky?
Yeees I haven't seen Rocky yet. So that will probably be my choice.

190510 #100Days

You know what the great thing about a blog is?

Nobody is ever going to read this. And I can just ramble away, don't have to worry about anybody judging me.

THIS = this blog = schnitt.me

THIS is now available at schnitt.me because I work as a picture editor based in Germany and it's the only domain I owned forever, but never ended up using for anything.
THIS will have no specific topic, nothing fancy or not so fancy.
Tbh, THIS entire blogging thing is probably just going to last for a few days anyway, it's for sure not going to a regular thing.
THIS has no specific goal.
THIS might switch from german to english und zurück ins Englische. It's really the only stylistic device I can pull of no problem;)
THIS is not going to be spellchecked.
All I know is: THIS is going to be some sort of diary type blog, where I might try to be more honest and personal than I might even be with my best friends.

So, yeah. This better stay fucking anonymus.
Then again, I'm a privileged white european cis male. So whatever happens, I'll probably be fine.