Do you know that feeling? When something that deep deep down you already knew was true, suddenly gets revealed as actually being fact? But you’re not happy to have been right. After all, you forgot the suspicion for a reason. You wanted it to not be true. You were lying to yourself.
I though this was going to be a very mundane day and it almost was.
Quiet Sunday morning. I slept in, one flatmate was visiting friends over the weekend, another had to go to work for a few hours. I read some books, went for a run, meditated, listened to music, had myself a nice and calm day. In the evening me and my flatmate were invited to a small dinner party. We had a nice barbecue, vegetarian sausages, various dishes, I helped cooking (only a little bit), everybody was nice, I drank some alcohol (but not too much) and eventually we went back home.
When we had arrived back home, he awkwardly sat in front of me for a few minutes. Then finally he told me he needed to talk. His voice tolf me he meant the kind of serious talk concerning emotions of love and desire.
Cut to the chase: He’s been having an affair with a very good female friend of mine who I once had strong feelings for. They’ve been hiding this from me for the fast four months, but now they’ve decided to try themselves on a relationship. So. How do I feel about this? Do I still have feelings for her? Like. Maybe a little?
And yes. I did fell for her almost two years ago. And because I’m shy and stupid I never talked to her about it. Oh. Also. She had a boyfriend. She moved away, so we basically didn’t see each other for one entire year. Time calms all storms, the feelings went away and I moved on. Then, we end up making a movie together, she has multiple breakdowns while shooting and don’t get me wrong. I like her. She’s a good friend. But after that I was mostly just fed up with her difficult and overly sensitive character. But over the course of shooting that movie she had started to befriend lots of my closest friends. Like my flatmate. One could even say I sort of introduced them to each other. So we all started spending more time together. Months pass. It’s easy to reinterpret past events as signs of something more going on between them. I distinctly remember having the thought at some point. I even remember talking to myself about it and worrying whether I really am alone and nobody just fucking heard me say that out loud. Anyways. Suddenly I’m helping her re-edit the film, suddenly we spend more and more time together, suddenly I’m really enjoying being close to her again. It’s her birthday and her ex boyfriend send her a mean text, suddenly she’s crying on the side of the street and I’m there for her and we hug a lot and it’s nice. But again, I’m reminded how fragile and frustrating she can be. I couldn’t possibly sustain any kind of relationship with her. Idk. Maybe 15 years from now, once we’ve both more mature? If ever.
Still. It’s COVID-times, I haven’t had sex in months, I’m honestly just starving for physical contact. And she’s always been a weirdly physical person anyway - so we have a lot. No Sex, just physical contact. We cuddle on the couch, massage each other, one night I ended up almost falling asleep while spooning her. In retrospect these moments are fucking hilarious, considering my flatmate was there the entire time, awkwardly looking at us.
I think one of the main reasons why I developed feelings for her in the first place and the main reason why she continues to confuse the fuck out of me even today. She was one of the only women who had ever seeked out physical contact with me. And at the time I thought that meant she wanted more from me than just being friends.
Only since the past year I’m slowly starting to realise that when it comes to emotions, you can never trust peoples actions. Only their words.
And I think this is why I started to get so physically close to her as well. I wanted to provoke a reaction. Force her to respond. Draw boundaries. I was playing with her tendency to be so physical. I felt like I had nothing to loose and I’m trying to get used to the idea of flirting and being close to people anyway. Haven’t really done that a lot in the past five or so years. But I now realise that she was too shy, too scared of what might happen once I get rejected. She would have never reacted, she would have rather ran away. I’m immediately reminded of a quote from Tarkovsky’s Nostalghia: “You’re the kind I’d rather sleep with than explain why I don’t feel like it.” It’s context in the movie is completely different, but it still fits.
Oh, yeah. And when we first got to know each other she had a boyfriend. So her being close to me was even stranger and the main reason why I never bothered to talk about my emotions with her. Other than being shy and scared and a bit stupid, of course:)
I wish he had told me ages ago. I wish she had told me. Instead now I’ll have to contact her. She hid something from me for one third of a year and now I have to tell her that it’s going to be ok? This is the kind of difficult personality I’m frustrated by. But I also completely understand why they didn’t tell me. My flatmate didn’t knew where this affair was going to lead to, he even mentioned a moment where I almost caught him in a lie, about where he had been last night, he was also scared shitless of how this was going to go, how I would react, how I will react in the future, how this might destroy our friendships. I get all of that.
But still. This would have saved all of us so much confusion and awkward moments. And it hurts the most, that they hid this from me for such a long time. I mean. They are about the closest of friends I have. It feels weird. It’s going to feel weird for a while.
When I started writing this yesterday it was hard not to place myself into the victim role. To overdramatise my emotions. To feel envy and hate. To rage against the unjust universe. It’s has been passing. My friends are in love. I should be happy for them. I am happy for them.
I applied for a film school in Berlin a few weeks ago. The truth is that they’re never going to accept me. I’m not qualified enough, not experienced enough, not the kind of student they are looking for.
But suddenly I hope, they will accept me. It would be a fresh start. And it would create distance. Distance that might be deeply necessary.
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep after a talk like this and I felt like I needed some fresh air. So I decided to go for a small walk outside. It was three o’clock and everything was silent. I laid down in the grass in a park and looked at the stars. It got too cold and started wandering again, I randomly walked into a former fellow student of mine and had to convince his I was ok. The fact that he cared made me happy. I walked around the town at night, I took some pictures at blue hour. They’re shit, but trust me, it looked really nice in reality. I was freezing, but at this point I had looked up how long it was until sunrise. Suddenly I felt like I wanted to wait for that moment. And I waited a lot. It was cold, windy, I should have brought a scarf, my iPhone’s battery long depleted.
But I waited.
And then I gave up.
I started walking back home.
It was just too goddam cold. I was tired. I had been walking through the night for more than three hours now.
And who fucking cares? The are 365 sunrises in a year! Also. Fuck you sun. Fuck you universe for not even giving me a nice sunset!
I looked back one last time and stopped.
It was getting brighter.
And finally. I saw the warm flare of the sun. Our sun. My sun.
I cried a bit.
I took a picture of the sunset. It’s a very boring and ordinary looking sunset. But it was mine. And it always will be.
Then I went home and fell asleep.
The more I’m writing this, the more the feeling of confusion leaves me.
I think I’ll be fine.
Distance will help as well. I’m on a train leaving to work in another town anyway. Maybe that’s all the distance I’ll need?