Oh hi there! I forgot to write today. I'm considering just not doing these apology blog posts. And just blog wherever I actually have something to say in the future. Did a special HIIT workout yesterday. Everything still hurts.
secret blog of a shy german film student, editor, colorist and cinephile. #100Days
Oh hi there! I forgot to write today. I'm considering just not doing these apology blog posts. And just blog wherever I actually have something to say in the future. Did a special HIIT workout yesterday. Everything still hurts.
Day 62. Filmmaking.
So today he spontaneously decided to try to capture on last shot for out title-sequence. And I think we failed. But we found the perfect location for it and just need to revisit it again another time. Still. Very busy and stressful day. I'll go to sleep now.
Day 61. Emotions.
by Paul Thomas Anderson.
This one reminded me of Inherent Vice a lot. It has great actors delivering fantastic performances, great cinematography, interesting times and places, fascinating ideas and concepts. I'm just. Idk.
I just didn't enjoy it as much as I though I would. There was something missing. And I can't quite put my finger on what it is. I was somewhat distracted by some weird emotions that I'll get to later. So maybe I wasn't focused 100% on the movie. Only like 95%. But still. That should have been enough.
It's really hard to describe what I didn't like. Or why. I understood all the characters. They were complex at times, but always made sense to me. I liked how real it all felt. Freddy's self-destructive life story as a bunch of weird but well meaning cultists try to help him to get better.
Maybe I was just missing a bigger or more satisfying ending. But at the same time I fully understand and stand behind the current ending. It felt right. It fits. Maybe that's just all that's to my confusion. Maybe my simple little mind just needs a simple and satisfying happy ending and this movie just couldn't give that to me. I wish I wouldn't be that dull sometimes. Some movies have mediocre ending that are more designed to get you thinking. And that's ok.
I also sometimes feel like I'm just not intelligent enough, or old enough, or mature enough to understand some movies. Maybe I'll have to revisit this one ten years from now. Maybe I'll have some answers by then. So to summarize: As always with PTA, I think this was a fantastic movie. I might just have to watch it again in a decade, just to make sure.
I cooled down in Germany. T though. But today it going to have 30 degrees Celsius again. Fuck. Yesterday I keep writing with that girl I really like. We met like three times already and well. Difficult backstory. For now you just need to know: I'm fascinated by her character, her endurance and her knowledge, I think she's very attractive and I feel very drawn to her. Yesterday we texted a lot about masturbation and sex. And I did something I couldn't see myself doing even just a month ago. I told her the truth. I told her that I'm a virgin.
The psychologist inside me is very proud and thinks that this is a very important step, opening up to other people, making your feelings and desires know. The coward inside me worries that, even though she reacted very quickly and quite nicely, she has now lost any kind of interest in me. That is. Sexually. Romantically? Idk. I guess time will tell if he's right. For the time being I'm just going to pretend that everything is just fine and normal and I'm happy and satisfied. Like I've been doing for the past 15 years.
Either-way. However this is going to affect our friendship. And I do think that this will only deepen our friendship. No matter if we will ever cuddle and kiss and maybe even get more intimate. I will grow from this. And at the end of the day. That's all that matters.
Day 60. How to sell clothes online (Fast)
Yeah no. I'm not actually going to explain that to you. I don't have any answers! It's just a reference to a german Netflix show I haven't watched.
Didn't watch a movie yesterday. I cleaned our entire flat and started photographing clothes and props from our movie that we don't need any more to sell them online. I'll continue to make photos today. It's actually quite a lot of stuff and because I know the tiniest bit about photography, I put way too much effort into those pictures. And I'm not very confident that a lot of people are going to be interested in it. Anyways. We'll find out.
I started to do seven minute workouts again and I'm going to try to keep that up for now. Like once a day. At some point maybe twice a day. At least that's my plan now. Let's see how it works out.
Day 59. Bergman did it again!
By Ingmar Bergman.
So. This one is good. Again very very good. Also very sad and grim and hopeless. Frustrating at times. Every time you think it can't get any worse it still gets worse. This is one of the best anti war movies I have ever seen. And again. Really. It's so simple. Just show how war affects civilians. Yet for some fucking reason most anti war movies I've see always seem to circle around soldiers fighting. Being heroic. Saving people. Because after all in any war there are always good and bad soldiers. Right?
Nope. I love that the movie doesn't even try to take a side. Never even explains who is fighting who for what and why. There's just the army that currently occupies the island and the other army that tries to take over the island. Trapped in-between are the citizens. unpolitical, uninterested in the reasons, just waiting for it all to finally end while they hope to survive.
There are some explosions, gunfire and action in this movie. But it's over so quickly! I love how it's not portrayed as "cool" whatsoever. In any contemporary movie those explosions and action sequences would have lasted for minutes, there would have been slow motion and CGI and all the cool things! Here it's over in a few seconds. It feels brutal. Unforgiving. Real.
And then there's the relationship between the two main characters. And this is the only part where I struggle with the story. Maybe it's because I've never really been in a long term relationship or maybe it's just what war does to people. But. There are some confusing character choices that I just don't understand. At least towards the end. Like. When the Mayor has sex with the wife? I guess we never see it. At least makes out with her. I completely understand that when the Mayor later needs his money back to survive the husband refuses to give it back. To have his revenge. But I expected him to give in at any point. Instead he actually accepts the fact that the soldiers raid and burn their entire little farm and he even personally fucking shoots the Mayor dead?! That. That just felt off character to me. Like. I don't know how we got there. What made him do it. And from then on it's just as confusing. Why does she stay with him till the end and why does he just continue to be a cold blooded killer all of a sudden.
I guess she didn't really have anybody else left. To follow, to be with. And even if they don't love each other anymore they still need each other. They also sort of switched roles. While at the beginning of the movie he was the passive one and she gave all the orders, now he makes all the (bad) choices. But at least he makes them?
What get's people to a point where they decide that killing somebody is the only option they have? Maybe this was the intention. To spark those kind of thoughts inside my head. Would I really have done it differently in his place? I think so. But that's easy to say while I'm sitting comfortably on this giant couch full of colorful pillows. I hope I never have to be in a war. I hope Europe stays as peaceful and relatively friendly towards each other and the rest of the world than in the last seventy years.
I like the ending. It's open but quite hopeless and that's only fitting for this movie. Shame it definitely worth a watch, though I'm confused about the last like 20 minutes. But it's a really good movie!
Day 58. Look at me! I watched two movies!
By Ingmar Bergman.
So. I'm not going to lie. I didn't expect this. But this was.
Good. Like actually really fucking good! Like. Holy shit. This movie was shot in 1961!
It has amazing characters! They felt real! They felt right.! Just four great actors on an island. That's all you need for a good story.
Just the way they lied to each other, pretended to be fine and then slowly started to loosen and be more honest and vulnerable. The way everybody got his moment. The essential questions and the different ways everybody deals with them, but still accepts each other. This one also hit a lot closer than I expected. The topic of being with somebody who has a mental disorder and the topic of living with somebody who is slowly dying from a seemingly untreatable illness. I had tears in my eyes at the end.
So would I watch this movie again? Yes. Yes! I'd love to! This was fantastic!
by Billy Wilder. It's from 1931. That's so old! And it still looks so good. As in quality of the picture.
So. I think I haven't really seen a bad film by Wilder. This one was ok. A bit to sexist. Too many men. The few women in the film were servants, prostitutes or a somewhat silly wife. I liked the absurd plot. The insanely manipulative newspaper boss, who just doesn't want to loose his best journalist to such a ridiculous thing as marriage. The rolltop desk bit was pretty funny.
The movie was enjoyable but I don't think I'll have to watch it again.
Day 57. Have I mentioned that it's pretty hot?
I have to go in 15 minutes and we're going to shoot one more simple plate for a VFX-Shot. So this is going to be a speed run. What's on my mind?
A girl. I've been texting with her a lot over the past few months, we met again two weeks ago and I'm starting to really like her. I also miss her a lot. I also want to hug her. A lot. While naked.
And you know what's the crazy part? I'm pretty sure she feels very similar towards me. And I don't think that ever really happened to me. I don't think I'm in love. I don't even think I want to be. For now. I just want to spend more time with her. But. We live in different cities right now. I'll probably see her again in more than a month. And that's a long time when it comes to feelings.
Anything else that keeps spooking around my head? I haven't felt very healthy and fit for the last few days. I think it's mostly just the heat. I was also surrounded by ill people and my immune system probably had to cope with a lot. I've been meaning to do more sport, but it's sooo hot! I also want to get into the habit of watching a movie every single day again. I saw that there was some sort of weird new project by PTA on Netflix. I'll check that out later today. I think I heard by flatmate crying this morning, but she already left. I'm going to have to ask her about that later.
Day 56. It still hot.
Busy day. Much to do. Tomorrow too. But at least I'll get some sleep tomorrow morning. But I might at the very least get to watch a movie tomorrow evening. If I can endure it while it's this hot.
Day 55. It hot.
Moved cities again today. Have to do a presentation tomorrow. I wound't say I'm scared, just ill prepared. I'm rehearsing best I can. Either way. Tomorrow is going to be uncomfortable. It's just too hot. My brain can't function at these temperatures. It doesn't even get cold enough at night. I'll take any summer over any winter day, but this is starting to get to me.
Oh. LORN just released a new album. (https://lorn.bandcamp.com/album/drown-the-traitor-within) So I guess I'll be listening to more deeply depressing but beautiful music tonight.
UPDATE: By far his least depressive album. Very short, but to the point. I like it.
Day 51. Alien in our minds!
by the guy who did all the Resident Evil movies. Anderson Something. This got recommended to me by a good friend, as a quote "really good but deeply flawed movie". And she was correct. I think this could have been good. But it wasn't.
This movie was basically Alien. But the Alien is in their mind.
A hand full of mostly unqualified people visit in a giant space structure and encounter a seemingly evil alien presence. Running around in narrow futuristic hallways. The inside of the ship looks so much like in Alien. Part sterile and modern, part dark and industrial and the alien part black and with intricate details.
From a story structure point of view, I was confused about our main character turning into the de factor villain. It just feels weird to switch main characters halfway through the movie. I liked Fishburne. I think he should have been our main character from the beginning.
I'm writing this two days after I watched the movie and I've already forgotten all of the other side characters. They just weren't memorable enough. Well. I don't remember how many there were. I remember the guy who tried to kill himself in the airlock and the woman that keeps seeing her son. But none of the seemed like particularly interesting characters. I never cared about them. Just in general this movie is very much tell don't show. It's not particularly subtle about anything. The plot just gets explained again and again. Just to make absolutely sure that we're following along.
Sidenote: In Interstellar Nolan just copied the fold paper and stick a pen through it explanation from this movie! I mean. I guess it's a good explanation. I forgive you, Chris.
Event Horizon is trying to be alien. When what it should have been doing is to try to be something else. Something new. I really like the premise. But I think most of the flaws must have already been in the script. I can't recommend this movie unless you'd want to study the script and try to come up with a better plot. I think that could be interesting. Give Patrick (H) Willems a week to come up with a better version.
But if you're not Patrick. Just rewatch Alien.
Day 50. That's halfway there!
Had a very busy day. Finished early at work but had to take care of some stuff for our movie. The next three days will be filled with travel and stress and junk food. I might still have time to write because of the traveling. Heatwave is easing out. Ice-cream is tasty. Life is good.
Day 49. Still very hot in Germany.
Didn't really have any time to write today. Had some nice conversations with friends. Both in person and on WhatsApp. I've been listening to the audiobook of Anne Franks Diary. I've been watching movies. Life is good. It's supposedly going to get a lot colder tonight. I'm not feeling any of that so far. Let's hope for the sweaty best.
Day 48. Heatwave.
It's very hot in Germany these days. 35 to 40 degrees Celsius. I have air conditioning at work but not at home and trouble falling asleep when it's this fucking hot. So I decided to write this text in the basement. The only place where you can cool off. Also. Incredibly. With a wifi signal. It's just a bit smelly, dusty and well, old down here. Old books and football magazines collected over the past 50 years by my grandfather, traditional Bavarian beer mugs again collected by my grandpa. A old computer running windows 95, german tin soldiers, paintings and whatever random stuff my grandmother allowed my family to store down here. But really. This is mostly my grandfathers stuff. My grandma prefers to own less and live in a clean house. I'm inclined to agree with her.
Life changes with these temperatures. Suddenly it becomes really important to always carry water with you. A hat too and sunscreen. You make sure to open and close your windows at the correct time of day to reduce the amount of hot air inside.
Fuck. Why haven't I thought of this sooner? It's genuinely really comfortable down here! I might just stay and watch a movie.
Phff. … I mean.
I kept watching. … So I guess it wasn‘t that … horrible.
But. I have to say. I don‘t think I ever skipped through so much dialogue because I was so bored.
I think it was a mistake to watch this show in english. Pretty sure that took a lot of the nuance and detail away. As it always does when your not watching the original. But I would not have made it through 20 episodes of Spanish people yelling at each other while desperately trying to read along in english subtitles. So. I couldn't possibly list all my grudges with this show. But I have to mention some. Where to start?
The special forces porn. I don‘t know what else to call this. There are just way too many SWAT units running around, driving in their military vehicles equipped with miniguns. All of this accompanied by way too dramatic over the top epic rock music. And I used to love this. I used to be a huge fan of this shit. When I was 12!
I mean. Half of all youtube videos are boys running around with fake guns. Only when you‘re older you start to realize that movies have been lying to you. You start to understand that running around screaming and holding guns in peoples faces is not cool. It‘s traumatizing as fuck. For everybody involved. I doesn't make the filmmakers look good and it doesn't make the police look good either.
The whole justification about how the robbers aren't really evil because they're not stealing anybody's money but print their own sounds like the argument of a five year old. Technically "not stealing" doesn't make it right. Just because somebody else gets something illegally for free, doesn't mean you are allowed to also take that thing, by force if need be. This is not even a Robin Hood kind of story. They are all planning on keeping their money for themselves!
And it feels very unrealistic for the detective to just suddenly accept the professors reasons. It all just happens too fast and it‘s not convincing.
This show is from Spain and there is obviously some real hate and disgust present in the public. Against banks, bankers and the super rich. And I get that and I probably agree with them. But to just use that as a cheap excuse to fit in the story that you want to tell seems too easy.
The epilog was too short. You can‘t build up our interest in all eight heist members (heist members? robbers? bad boys and girls? are we the baddies?) and the just show the epilogue of a single one. Granted. It's the most important. But even Bourne Identity did this scene so much better. Like. Tokio has been our narrator throughout the entire fucking show and we don‘t even get to see what happens to her? We just see her walk of in a crazy ass outfit and that‘s it? What happened to all the hostages? Did they get their million after all? How would that even work? What about Arturo? He was probably the most annoying character of the entire show. Which means he was either really badly written or really good. And tbh. I'm not entirely sure. He made dumb choices, but at least he was consistent with that. What about him? How does his story end?
I guess what I would be almost more interested in is sort of the GRRM approach to the story. I want to see if they are happy now, if they lived happily ever after or if they spent all their money within the first week in the Caribbean. Or just had to do another heist, just for the adrenaline.
Oh god. There's going to be another season. That just sounds like a bad idea. They would have to come up with a completely new heist? That's just. You can't top that. I would never accept that Job as a writer. That's just setting yourself up for failure.
Well. I'm not going to be there to watch it. Sorry. I don't really have a lot of positive stuff to say about this show. I guess between GoT, Westworld and Chernobyl I'm just used to a different level of show. A HBO level.
It wasn't a date. And that's ok. For now. I wish I could spend more time with her though. I miss her already. I feel accepted by her.
Weird people tend to accept each other, I guess.
Day 45. Not a date.
Tomorrow I'll meet with a relatively new female friend. We met through online dating and quite frankly I'm not entirely sure if this is going to be a date or not. I guess I'm going to find out. Then again. I think the rule here should be: Only if both parties agree before they meet that it's going to be a date. Only then, it actually is a date.
So. This is not a date. Still. I'm fine with a bit of fooling around. Nothing serious. If she's into it. After all, the greatest two dates I ever had, I had with her. Also the single worst. But mostly I'm just excited to see her again after two months. We've been texting a lot, like almost every day. So we'll now have to cross that awkward line of very good online friends becoming real life friends again. And I'm excited to see how that works out. Also. She has a kid that I never met before. So that's going to be weird.
I don't do well with kids. Well. Actually that's not true. I just don't do kids. I haven't talked or had any sort of contact with kids in years. So I have no idea how to even approach a child. Do I say hi? Do I just ignore it and talk to the mother? Do I go all in and right up into it's dumb little face and try to tell it how cute it is? Am I overthinking this?
This is what goes on in my head every day, every fucking minute of every day, whenever I have to spend time, not just with kids, but just people. Overthinking has never made things easier, especially when it happens in the heat of the moment, in the middle of a conversation. But without it I would be lost and even more awkward as well. I would just spontaneously make all the wrong choices. Either way I'll be an awkward mess.
I'm just happy that some people still accept me. I'm happy I have friends.
Day 44. Maybe I shouldn't take drugs.
I don't understand Terry Gilliam. I don't find him funny. I'm constantly confused by his movies. I don't understand his characters. It's just so. Boring.
Sure. There's a lot of stuff happening in his movies. A lot of rather crazy shit to be exact. But if you don't care about the characters and don't know where any of this is supposed to be going.
I've seen a few of Gilliam's movies. I love Monty Python and I think Monty Python and the Holy Grail is absolutely fantastic! I watched Brazil ages ago and I remember mostly being confused, but since then I've hears good things about it. So maybe I'll watch it again. I guess 12 Monkeys was enjoyable. Because there was a premise. A goal. Something to look forward to.
Fear and Loathing is just a random ride through the desert filled with every kind of drug imaginable and few funny jokes. I really liked the almost spider like way Johnny Depp walked around. Probably the best part of the entire movie. That being said. I think watching that movie once is more than enough.
It's hard to sit down and still take the time to write about your feelings when you're just tired and want to go to bed. I've recently been reminded by a family member suddenly entering in the process of dying, that - even though I don't like it and it makes me mad sometimes - we are all going to die. I should do more stuff. Live life to the fullest. Idk. I should care less about the future and exist in the now. I want to read more books, watch more movies, get shitfaced, fuck all night, see the world before it gets fucked up completely by climate change, get to know people, have fun, don't worry. Be happy.
Again. I didn't really felt like writing. Sorry. I'll try to get back to it tomorrow morning. I have the odd feeling that I might stop blogging soon. But I'm going to try to keep going! There are ups and downs. This is a major down. Survive it and things will get better. Until tomorrow. I promise.
Day 42. I have stomach aches.
Many things happened today. I might get around to write about them tomorrow. But since tomorrow is also going to be a long day, I'll go to bed early and just write this very quick note. I'm happy I have my family and I'm happy I have friends.
Day 41. Tomorrow is a public holiday!
Another one of those days where I have to wait for others to finish their shit before I can start my part. I finally got Avid‘s background rendering to work! It basically means I don‘t have to stare at a render bar for two hours a day but can just keep on working. So that‘s great.
So. Yesterdays date. I think it was another one of those dates where we had a good and calm conversation and also the only conversation we‘ll ever have in our life. She‘s 10+ years older and really wants to move back to the countryside. I‘m very much a city person. Other than that she‘s pretty great. I liked her.
I feel like I'm still pretty bad at having a normal conversation. Especially being interested in the other person, asking questions, that sort of thing. You know, the getting to know part. It's just really hard for me to come up with any good or suitable questions on the fly. Even if I though of certain questions or topics, I tend to forget them or never get to them once I'm sitting in front of the person. Well. Maybe the latter is actually a good sign. Like, at least it means we always had something to talk about.
Either way. She hasn't invited me back on another date. So I'm pretty sure there's not going to be another. Would I meet her again? Sure. Why not. Why didn't I ask her out again then? Because literally every time I've done that, the answer has been a polite no. So after the last "no" I decided that maybe this is the secret rule? Because in contrast, everyone I've been on at least a second date with, told me she wanted to meet again at the end of the first one. If you're reading this and think I'm wrong, please tell me I'm wrong.