Confronting trauma one blogpost at a time.

Date six. Part one.

Quite frankly. The greatest date I ever had. The high point. Peak Dating. Ten out of ten possible hearts. I’m serious!
But the funny thing is, it started very passive aggressive.

I was late. About 10-15 minutes late, mostly because I had overestimated how long it would take her to get to the park. When I finally arrived she immediately asked me for fire - fuckin’ smokers - and when I could not provide, she immediately sent me on a quest for lighters to the local kiosk. Once I got there, they didn’t have lighters, so I continued on my journey but could only find closed stores. It was late Saturday already. So the hunter returned empty handed and found his female had now gotten hungry as well. So off I went again. Venturing forth for about half an hour to the next supermarket, buying fruits, pastry and lighters. All this time she sat in the park, reading a book while nervously licking her unlit cigarettes.
Finally I returned. I half expected her to have already asked a group of loud and smelly teenagers next to us for fire, which would have been just the greatest. To send me away for no reason after all. But she didn’t. Still. I was at this point slightly annoyed. But I probably deserved that for showing up late, I guess.

Finally back with her I just lied down on the grass. It was a beautiful summer eventing, the slight breeze was warm and gentle. We opened the first bottle of Rosé she had asked me to bring, we smoked some weed - though at this point I wasn’t as enthusiastic about trying that again, we watched youtube, we laughed, I felt accepted by her. Eventually it had gotten dark and enough people had left the park for us to move to the stream that meanded its way through the park. We originally planned to go skinny dipping, but then decided to keep on our underwear after-all. Still too many people around. We jumped in, the current was strong and really fucking cold. We must have giggled like little children. She looked beautiful in her underwear.

Of course I was the only one who had brought a towel, so naturally she got to use it, while I had to dry by myself. Lying there we could see the stars, she remarked on how fast they were moving and I had to point out that that’s just an airplane. That weird herb. I never before had that feeling. Just lying there, listening to the stream go by, hearing the muffled voices of happy people in the park all around us, feeling the wind gently cooling my wet skin, knowing that she was next to me, only with me, even just for that one little moment. I felt calm and happy and satisfied. This day was already perfect. What else could I possibly still ask for.

It was at this point too late for her to catch the last train back, so she was going to stay the night at my place. But first. We decided to order pizza! We ordered at the closest Dominos and started to walk there my foot, me still soaking wet. We randomly decided to switch to english for a bit, we did lot’s of funny accents, for once a thing I can shine at. She turned out to have the most adorable accent I ever could have imagined and I was surprised to learn how insecure she was about it. We picked up the pizza with the third bottle of wine and spontaneously decided to take a taxi back to my place, which my money was literally just enough for. Officially broke but finally back home, we ate the pizza in the garden, more or less careful not to wake up my family, she smoked one last cigarette and then went to my bedroom.
One thing you have to understand is that at that time, not only was I still a virgin, but I also had never even spent a night cuddling with, well … anybody … really. So in theory I should have been terribly excited. But I wasn’t. I was calm, happy and wasn’t expecting anything. Even if nothing would happen, this would have already been a beautiful day. I was completely satisfied just having spent time with her. (I still made sure to quickly wash my dick in the bathroom. Just in case:) I was also drunk and slowly getting tired.

In bed she immediately asked me to massage her. She even showed me how she liked it, she kept calling it “streicheln”, which is german for “to pet” somebody. A word more suitable to describe caressing a pet cat. First I only touched her back through her shirt, later she removed bra and shirt. A few minutes later she asked me to pet her legs, I helped her slowly remove her trousers. Somehow I still remember that as one of the most sexual things I’ve ever done. While I kept touching her, I kept wanting to touch her cute butt, but I never summoned up the courage. Today I would just ask her if I could. For some reason I kept drinking a lot of water and wine until I had reached my limit. I guess I finally ended up being kind of nervous after all. I drank at least two bottles of wine that day. Lesson learned. I didn’t puke, but I started to feel a bit sick and had to lay down next to her. Eventually she took my arm and pulled me in to spoon her. I had never before been so physically close to anybody. It was the most intimate I had ever been with anybody. Throughout the entire night I had a raging boner, which she must have noticed, but ignored. I didn’t get a lot of sleep that night, because I drunken too much and had to go to the toilet a lot, but also because I wasn’t used to somebody else inside my bed at all. It was completely new territory. I remember us lying face to face at one point, me hugging her, her head close to mine, just looking at each other for a second. It was lovely. We slept well into the next day and I had a horrible hangover. Not the headache kind, just the upset stomach kind. I was still dirty from lying in the grass so I took a shower. When I returned to bed she was still sleeping, but cuddling again felt too much for me at that point, suddenly it was all just a bit too much. So I sat down next to her for a while, trying to read a book, from time to time just looking at her. Happy.
In retrospect I should have told her all of this. All of my feelings and emotions. I think she misunderstood my shyness and emotional overload for not being interested. But I think we wrote about it later and for once I could set things straight. Eventually she went for a shower too, but our date still wasn’t over.

I walked around my home town today and decided to specifically visit some places I had spent time with her. Places that had memories attached. Many of these now hurtful memories. I tried to go there just to find out how it would make me feel. But also to reclaim my town. Maybe she broke my heart. But she’s not going to make me hate my home town.
I was quite going there, that it would open all those wounds all over again and I almost didn’t take the trip. But now I am glad that I did. Some places hurt more than others. Some felt fine. Some I couldn’t find again. The most important thing is that I confronted my fears, may they be as ridiculous as they might sound to you. If I can survive this, I might survive whatever comes next.

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