Forgive me, Hera I cannot stay

Laura Marling - What He Wrote

Date six. Part two.

So for the first time in my entire life I had spent a night cuddling with a half naked and really hot woman. We woke up, took a shower - separately of course, she asked me for fresh panties in case I had something other than boxers. I only have boxers. She complained that I don’t even have conditioner in my bathroom. I didn’t dare to ask what conditioner is. We spent some more time in bed, watching youtube, cuddling in weird positions. I think at some point she sat on top of me and I was astonished by how heavy she felt on my back. Not to say that she was out of shape. She wasn’t. She was perfect. For the longest time she had one leg stretched over my back. She also bit me in the arm once or twice. I think that was quite sexually charged for her. Biting. But it absolutely wasn’t for me, I was just extremely confused by it, asked her if I should bite back, didn’t get a clear response and decided to just better not …

I remember her telling me “No.” at some point, while making a very serious face. I was so confused, what she was even talking about. It took me like five minutes to figure out that I had sort of unconsciously started humping her. I didn’t really think about it whatsoever, but I guess the humping had taken a direction towards her pants. It’s weird when you catch your body doing stuff that you never wanted it to do. Especially when nobody is going to believe you. Anyway, it wasn’t a big deal. In retrospect I just wished I had apologised about it. But I didn’t. Because bringing that up five minutes after it happened would have probably seemed extremely awkward.

Eventually we left my home to catch her train. We got some coffee on the way, she put on some funny podcast and gave me one of her ear pieces. The thing is, my hearing isn’t the best, it’s actually a horrible problem in my entire family. So when I have in-ear headphones on, I can’t really hear what somebody is saying even one meter away from me, so I would never understand her over the podcast. Also the headphones just kept falling out of my ear all the time. Until suddenly - she pulled me in and took my hand and didn’t let go. Another completely new experience for me. To walk hand in hand through town. Everything changed after that. Suddenly we belonged together, I immediately felt like people looked at us differently, like they thought we were a couple. And that idea made me so happy.
We got some more food, I still didn’t really felt like eating - remember, the two bottles of wine I had the day before? So I just watched her. I even stayed on the train for a few stops before leaving her. I remember awkwardly hugging her while she gave me a kiss on the forehead. That day was probably the happiest of my entire year. I think if I had to name a day where I fell in love with her, this must have been it. But considering what I thought had just happened between us, I wouldn’t see her again for a very, very long time.

I’m still pondering whether I should write her. And when. And what.
A few days ago I almost just sent her a message on WhatsApp and only didn’t because I had deleted all her contact information, just for weak moments like this. I don’t really do stupid shit when I get drunk. I’m also usually not alone when I get drunk, so I’m not really scared of that happening. It’s more that sometimes I forget the bigger picture, the grand vision or in this case the last seven months and how they made me feel. Sometimes I dream that she’s going to just suddenly appear right on my doorstep. Or that I come home from work and she’s just lying there, back in my bed, like time had stopped. Like nothing ever happened. What the fuck even happened? One of the reasons why all of this is taking me so long to write is, that I still don’t really understand it. I don’t really know how we ended up where we ended up. And I probably never will.
Right now my plan is to handwrite her a nice goodbye letter on Christmas. Nothing accusatory, no desperate love letter, no invitation to talk. Just a honest and heartfelt goodbye. I already revised and rewrote the text for the letter like five times and will continue to do so until I’m satisfied. I also want to finish telling this story on this blog before sending off the letter. I think that will help me to focus. Give me closure.

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