Life is weird right now. You'd think that I should have had the impulse to write sooner, but quite frankly I'm struggling to motivate myself a lot these days. At this point I've been self quarantining for about a month. I'm not with family, I haven't done anything with friends in a long ass time, but at the very least I don't live alone.
We have a new flat mate for half a year. She's nice. I think her arrival in my life is a good thing. She's quite a proactive person, she makes the most of her days and I think I'm also still trying to make a good impression on her, try to be a good flatmate. So in a way her existence already motivates me. Yet. Things aren't fantastic. I've basically lost my job - in times of social distancing movie-shoots are impossible after all. Also.
My granddad got tested positive yesterday.
And if he's positive, my grandmother must be as well.
His symptoms are very mild at the moment,
but both are the very definition of a risk group.
I just hope they’re not going to end like this. I want to see them again. I want to hug them again. And more than anything else I don't want them to die alone. I sent them an iPad so they can Facetime/Skype with family. But parcels are suddenly taking forever to get delivered. It's less than three hours to get to their town by car, but the parcel will take an entire fucking week. I just hope it won't arrive too late.
I've also still been dealing with the loss of a person who once was very dear and close to my heart. I've written about her on this blog countless times. I've definitely written an absolute ton of bullshit about her and me and us and my feelings and thoughts and it has gotten me nowhere. I stopped retelling our story because it wasn't helping. Because at some point you just have to accept that some answers you might very well never get. And it's about time to move on, swallow down your thoughts and push trough the curtain of loneliness to live life again. And then a global pandemic comes along.
I still think of her too much. I still dream of meeting her again. What it would be like. What I would say. How she would react to the things I’d say. In my mind she would usually react nicely, in my daydreams we would come to an understanding, steer back towards the path of friendship. It would always be so easy. So simple.
Such a stupid fairytale.
My new flatmate met with her ex-boyfriend today after they had broken up in January. To talk things over one last time in person. I can hear them laughing though the walls. I don't know a lot of details about them. I've been living with her for less than three weeks now.
But I could. Never. Imagine myself meeting. Her.
And have everything be "normal" again. To laugh and smile about the good old times again.
Maybe this means that I still have a lot to learn. It probably does. Kitten in the hurricane of love.
One thing is for sure. I will never again just accept the sudden cutoff of any kind of serious human relationship without talking about it first. We owe each other this much. To make each other understand what we were feeling when we made that decision. To reduce the harm done to each other to a minimum. Because even if we don’t want to have anything to do with each other anymore, we are still responsible for each other.
But it’s too late for that now. (Or is it?) Too much has happened in the meantime, in the world, in my brain, in my life and - I'm only guessing - in her life as well. I haven't heard from her since Christmas, I don't follow her on social media and I continue to suppress the urge to look for her.
My life might be so much more lonely and boring and shit without her.
But it's also so much more safe and calm and happy.
I have my bad days. I guess that has become part of my human existence now. Sometimes I cry because the feelings of loss and pain come back with too great of strength. Like a tsunami that only happens only once every 100 years. I recently watched Béla Tarr's Werckmeister Harmonies - an absolutely fantastic movie. I fucking loved it so so much! And I cried so much at the end! Not because of the sad ending. But just because she was the one who had once recommended the film to me.
I guess I'll wait a few more months until I continue to watch her remaining movie recommendations.
It's quarantine time and I lost my job. But I still have my flatmate's streaming accounts and booze, so I'm watching movies! A shit ton of movie to be exact. In the last month it must have been close to 50. And I've noticed one thing that I'm starting to miss: Just watching movies becomes boring. I'd also like to have a discussion about them or at the very least voice my opinion. To sharpen my instinct. My very personal definitions of what constitutes a "good movie". So I’m going to try to do that again. It once used to be a major part of this blog.
This one was a classic Whodunit story. Except it really wasn't at all! (Spoilers ahead.)
And that's what was so special about it! I think it only takes about half an hour until the audience gets told exactly who murdered the victim and suddenly it becomes a completely different story. This was by far the strongest and most interesting plot twist of the entire story. The fact that they then had to turn it around again at the very end to prove that she was indeed completely innocent was a bit of a stretch. It also turned it back into a classic Whodunit.
While those two twist were most certainly hard to predict and quite inventive, there were many minor twists and moments in dialogue that were horribly easy to predict. And not the fun kind - where you think you know what’s coming and then it happens and you’re proud of yourself and its fun! But the kind where you were seeing it coming from two miles away and when it happens it's just boring.
Just to give you an example: The way she notices that she could just hire lawyers to safe her mum herself, instead of relying on the family. That entire conversation felt way too stretched out and the conclusion way too obvious to me.
I think I would have rather seen the characters stay more morally ambivalent, just because life is more ambivalent and complicated. I would have loved to see a version of this movie where she actually gets convinced for involuntary manslaughter, but still gets the inheritance. So suddenly she has do deal with the furious family, prison, an endangered family of her own, the media and all the other possible madness that might occur now. Btw. I really liked the way smartphones, social media and the media itself got portrayed. And I absolutely loved how every one of the family members occasionally switched up which country the nurse actually came from. Do you remember? Was it Ecuador? Or Brazil? Or the Philippines?
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Maybe I'm getting old already, maybe I'm too bourgeois, maybe I'm just not cool enough. But I didn't like Ferris Bueller. The character. If he'd be a real person, I wouldn't want to spend any time with him. He's just such an arrogant, self convinced, oh-so-clever, privileged dickhead how get's absolutely everything he wants, just because he takes advantage of others.
What maddens me the most is that this movie stops right where it get's interesting. Just when conflicts are about to escalate! I would have absolutely loved to see a version of this movie where Ferris gets caught skipping school by his parents, where his friend has to face his fathers wrath for destroying the car and where his sister gets together with a completely irresponsible drug addict.
I didn't find any of the plot line about the schools principal entertaining. It wasn't very funny, too slap-sticky and it never got anywhere. It just got more and more stupid.
Don't get me wrong. It's completely fine to make a movie that celebrates living life and the freedom and rebellious nature of the youth. And maybe in 1986 this movie managed to do this. To me, in 2020 Germany, it did not. John Hughes already made a better version of this movie. It's called Breakfast Club.