190519 #100Days

Day 10. The day I lost money.


by Andrey Zvyagintsev. I was 15 minutes into Loveless and already felt like shit for having such a insanely privileged childhood compared to that boy. This one's pretty sad and depressing.
I also realized that I have a ton of false and racist preconceptions agains Russia and the Russian people. So to see that voluntary search and rescue team do everything they can to find the missing boy was delightful. Even though their routine was surely built up over the course of hundreds other kids gone missing. They almost felt more empathic and caring towards the boy then his parents. I really was the only act of love in the entire movie. A hidden love letter to the Russian people, at least the ones who still care, who still try to do whats right.
The friend who recommended this movie said that at the end even the parents are unhappy in their new relationship again. When we meet the grandmother of the kid and understand how she never gave any love to her daughter, you start to understand. And at the end "this cycle of lovelessness" just continues. She's probably right. But I don't like that ending. I choose to see hope in this world. I choose to believe in a world where people have a chance to become happy again.
I'm suddenly reminded of Westworld. Dolores used to say: "Some people choose to see the ugliness in the world. I choose to see the beauty." And see where it let her. … Ok, enough depressive film talk.

Today is a beautiful day! The heating is broken again, but it's fine because it's finally getting warmer in Germany. Cloudless sky, premature new election in Austria that hopefully removes some nazis out of parliament and my new oolong tea arrived yesterday. Things are looking up! Time for 40 minutes of Duolingo! Fuck me, it used to be 15 min a day.

You know, I think it's boring for me to just repeat the things I do almost every day again and again on this blog. Now I just need to do interesting things to write about.


There is not a single more effective killer for creativity and motivation than discussions about budget, payments and money. This entire day was just that. I giant, frustrating, annoying, nonsensical fight about money. This entire day was a waste of time. If there's anything I learned from this, it to always talk thrice about money and budget before spending any of it. And thb. it's probably not the worst idea to take the fucking time to write a fucking contract. Even when you're just three silly film students, trying to make a short film.
I think something changed inside me today. I've been very silent throughout most of the conversations. Mostly because I noticed that I wasn't thinking straight and I was scared of saying something I'd regret later. But in reality the situation is quite easy: Somebody owes me and a friend of mine money and is refusing to pay it back. How much you ask? About as much as I would make working for two weeks. So not a huge amount, but still. The question is: Will we make sure there are consequences or should we just ignore the financial pain, finish the film and never fucking work with him again? I don't know. Right now I'm just kinda pissed, but it feels like we're going to give him a pass and that makes me even more pissed. Tomorrow emotions will have faded.

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