190522 #100Days

Day 13. I guess it really is a bad number.


Was too tired to watch anything yesterday. Flatmates felt similar. We almost all just fell asleep on the couch last night.

We finally have a fixed period for our reshoot. It's next week already. I just paid all the film-insurance. As long as the weather doesn't fuck us over, we're going to be just fine. And even though there's a lot of bad blood because of the money-thing, I hope it's still going to be fun. I'll make sure to record some making of footage you're never going to get to see;)


When are you just acquaintances?
Where does friendship start?
When do you move from acquaintance to friends? And back?
Where does acquaintance and friendship end?
What is the opposite of friendship? Hostility?
And in that confusing spectrum. Where the fuck are WE, right now?

WE = a female friend of mine. And me. About the same age.

We know each other for about five years. We've worked on a number of projects together. We have a very similar circle of friends, so naturally we see each other a lot. We've even been on vacation together!
That being said we are very different. She's frustratingly conservative and intolerant at times. I usually ignore this because I don't have many friends and isn't this what friendship is all about? Just accepting each other and each others shortcomings?

She's also very easily provoked. And people know and love that about her. It's an absolute joy to tease her and make fun of her in countless ways, because her reactions are always so satisfying. It's all done in good friendly spirit of course. Sometimes somebody overdoes it. But it rarely happens.She was single for a long time, then had a relationship, failed spectacularly and is now single again.
Then I fell in love with her.

I knew she's not interested. So I never said anything about it. To anybody. Ever. I swallowed it down. I started working out. It didn't help. I worked harder. It didn't help. I tried to get closer to her, spend more time together, get to know her friends, become good friends with her. Maybe even more than just good friends? It didn't work.

Time passed. What happens after you realize that things are not going to turn out the way you imagined them to go? I got angry. I knew it was childish and doesn't do me any good. But I still couldn't help it. So every now and then I'd get a little bit more aggressive. I provoked, I teased. And she's used to it and I'd get my quick satisfying outbreak of meaningless anger. But it's not enough. So I keep going. And it works. She gets pissed of at me for a while. We have less contact for a few weeks.

And then we meet again and it's fine really. She's maybe a bit confused, asks if everything is ok. I don't say anything. I mean really - what the fuck am I supposed to say? "Yeah sure. I actually fell in love with you about a year ago but I'm getting over it at the moment and am currently stuck somewhere between the anger, bargaining and depression stage of the Kübler-Ross model?!"
Nooo. I'm fine. It's fine! It's just. Just Work! Or something! Eventually she gives up and talks to somebody else. Thank fuck.

Time passed again. We got different jobs, different projects, we would still see each other from time to time, but never talked much. I wasn't interested. Sometimes she worried about me again. I should have been flattered, but I was just annoyed by her constant questions. I stayed silent. At this point I thought I was finally over her. I didn't imagine being physically close to her in daydreams anymore. I've accepted the fact that we are different, that whatever I was feeling at the time wouldn't have worked out anyways and that we will never be anything more than friends. Yay. I did it! I'm finally an adult!

Time passes again. She starts a new major project. She's constantly stressed as fuck.
A few days ago she posted something in the group chat. That chat is basically my entire circle of friends. She posts something conservative, something intolerant and it really pisses me of. So I answer. My answer is mean and offending and … honestly very unlike me.
And this time it's different. She demands an apology. I ignore her. She doesn't show up to the next party. People start acting weird when they talk about her. Eventually I find out that it really is my fault. She's still waiting for her fucking apology! She's so pissed that she has pretty much complained about this to every mutual friend we have. But she has sworn all of them to absolute secrecy - because I'm supposed to realize myself that I have to apologies.

I'm busy. Yes. For real. I'm actually busy for a few days and can't write her. At least not if whatever I'm going to write is going to mean anything to her. Also I don't know what to say. I honestly meant all of what I said! Sure. It was offending and after re-reading the entire chat conversation, I had suddenly interrupted with my outburst of violent opinion, I do realize I had slightly misunderstood the conversation.
But really, more than anything else I just don't want to be bothered. I just can't pretend like I want to be friends with her anymore. I just don't want to answer.
Of course I feel bad. I didn't mean to hurt her. At least not in retrospect. Maybe at the time that was exactly what I wanted. But I can't just ignore her. Because at this point everyone I'm friends with knows about this weird conflict. Most try to stay neutral. Most, if now everybody notes how silly it all is. Everybody tells me to "just apologies".

So eventually I sit down for an hour and another and another. I've never been good at talking. Otherwise I would have just called. So I write. I write an apology letter. I make sure its objective, it's personal, it lays out why I feel the way I do, why I reacted how I reacted, I apologies about my offensive words, about misunderstanding, about the fact that I never responded until now.

An hour later I get an answer. It's very long but still obviously written in less than ten minutes. She says she's still really hurt and disappointed. She would have never said anything like that to one of her friends. She still accepts my apology.

I'm not sure if I should be glad or disappointed that she did.

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