190616 #100Days

Day 38. Random confusing thoughts about my life.

Online dating. The more I use it the less I like it. People don't take it serious enough. It's this digital promise for a happier future, even if it's just for a night. Though. I guess I'm pretty sure I don't look nearly good enough for the latter. Because nobody has ever been interested in me sexually. Except for maybe one, but she's a different story entirely.

Somebody wrote to me on Okcupid yesterday and now she's basically telling me her entire life story. I think some people just use online dating to have somebody to talk to. To write with. To feel less alone.
She's ten years older than me and seems to know what she wants. And I'm currently contemplating how to tell her that I'm not that person. Maybe that's the one thing that changes when you get older? You accept who you are and what you are and especially what you're not. Or maybe that's just a thing that you have to learn yourself, whenever you're ready. I feel like I've met enough weird old people to know that age doesn't make you wise.

It's usually at this point in my thoughts where I start to have this overwhelming feeling that I'll never figure this out. I will never understand how people work. How love works. How intimacy, sex and affection works. I will end up just like my parents. Living together for the rest of their lives, with almost no friends, no sexuality, not loving each other - but not being strong enough do divorce either, working by day, watching TV or Netflix in the evening and constantly pretending to be ok. Except. I won't even find somebody to live with unhappy. I'll just die alone. I've entered this game way to late and now I'm so far behind. So why even bother. Just give up on happiness. Instead devote all of your time towards making movies. You chances of making a good movie is much higher than finding love!

And then I remind myself how far I've come. How I've never been on any date with anyone till this year! And this year I've been on what? Eleven? With eight women? I can still remember most of them quite vividly. How terribly excited I was. And how half a year later that had improved. How I learned not to pretend, not to overthink, not to "metagame" (think about the date is going while it's still happening) and to just be myself. Two of those women seemed to accept me and so far we're friends. Maybe something will come from it. Maybe not. Both is fine. I need to start to be even more open and honest with my friends. Only once I learn how to make my needs and wishes known to others, will they be able to help, if they can and want.

I'll continue with the online dating thing. Because it has made my life more interesting. I have made friends and I have stories to tell. And for now. This is positive. This is worth it.

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