captain of my soul

@captainofmysoul

Secret blog of a shy german film student and cinephile.

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190623 #100Days

Day 45. Not a date.

Tomorrow I'll meet with a relatively new female friend. We met through online dating and quite frankly I'm not entirely sure if this is going to be a date or not. I guess I'm going to find out. Then again. I think the rule here should be: Only if both parties agree before they meet that it's going to be a date. Only then, it actually is a date.
So. This is not a date. Still. I'm fine with a bit of fooling around. Nothing serious. If she's into it. After all, the greatest two dates I ever had, I had with her. Also the single worst. But mostly I'm just excited to see her again after two months. We've been texting a lot, like almost every day. So we'll now have to cross that awkward line of very good online friends becoming real life friends again. And I'm excited to see how that works out. Also. She has a kid that I never met before. So that's going to be weird.
I don't do well with kids. Well. Actually that's not true. I just don't do kids. I haven't talked or had any sort of contact with kids in years. So I have no idea how to even approach a child. Do I say hi? Do I just ignore it and talk to the mother? Do I go all in and right up into it's dumb little face and try to tell it how cute it is? Am I overthinking this?
This is what goes on in my head every day, every fucking minute of every day, whenever I have to spend time, not just with kids, but just people. Overthinking has never made things easier, especially when it happens in the heat of the moment, in the middle of a conversation. But without it I would be lost and even more awkward as well. I would just spontaneously make all the wrong choices. Either way I'll be an awkward mess.
I'm just happy that some people still accept me. I'm happy I have friends.


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