190706 #100Days

Day 61. Emotions.


by Paul Thomas Anderson.
This one reminded me of Inherent Vice a lot. It has great actors delivering fantastic performances, great cinematography, interesting times and places, fascinating ideas and concepts. I'm just. Idk.
I just didn't enjoy it as much as I though I would. There was something missing. And I can't quite put my finger on what it is. I was somewhat distracted by some weird emotions that I'll get to later. So maybe I wasn't focused 100% on the movie. Only like 95%. But still. That should have been enough.

It's really hard to describe what I didn't like. Or why. I understood all the characters. They were complex at times, but always made sense to me. I liked how real it all felt. Freddy's self-destructive life story as a bunch of weird but well meaning cultists try to help him to get better.
Maybe I was just missing a bigger or more satisfying ending. But at the same time I fully understand and stand behind the current ending. It felt right. It fits. Maybe that's just all that's to my confusion. Maybe my simple little mind just needs a simple and satisfying happy ending and this movie just couldn't give that to me. I wish I wouldn't be that dull sometimes. Some movies have mediocre ending that are more designed to get you thinking. And that's ok.

I also sometimes feel like I'm just not intelligent enough, or old enough, or mature enough to understand some movies. Maybe I'll have to revisit this one ten years from now. Maybe I'll have some answers by then. So to summarize: As always with PTA, I think this was a fantastic movie. I might just have to watch it again in a decade, just to make sure.

In other news.

I cooled down in Germany. T though. But today it going to have 30 degrees Celsius again. Fuck. Yesterday I keep writing with that girl I really like. We met like three times already and well. Difficult backstory. For now you just need to know: I'm fascinated by her character, her endurance and her knowledge, I think she's very attractive and I feel very drawn to her. Yesterday we texted a lot about masturbation and sex. And I did something I couldn't see myself doing even just a month ago. I told her the truth. I told her that I'm a virgin.
The psychologist inside me is very proud and thinks that this is a very important step, opening up to other people, making your feelings and desires know. The coward inside me worries that, even though she reacted very quickly and quite nicely, she has now lost any kind of interest in me. That is. Sexually. Romantically? Idk. I guess time will tell if he's right. For the time being I'm just going to pretend that everything is just fine and normal and I'm happy and satisfied. Like I've been doing for the past 15 years.
Either-way. However this is going to affect our friendship. And I do think that this will only deepen our friendship. No matter if we will ever cuddle and kiss and maybe even get more intimate. I will grow from this. And at the end of the day. That's all that matters.

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