captain of my soul

@captainofmysoul

Secret blog of a shy german film student, editor, colorist and cinephile.

Guestbook

191103

Sooo. It’s been a while.
Like a third of an entire year.
Sorry about that.
I didn’t really expect anyone to read this, but apparently there’s at least one person. Hello there, reader. If you’re still here:) A bit annoying that Listed doesn’t give you any kind of notifications on guestbook entries.

— I miss your daily posts.

Aww. Thanks. I think I missed them too, in a way. I’ve only come to realize that now. Maybe a boy only has that much capacity to write in a day and I’ve just stopped writing with a person who once was very important to me. So a lost friendship gave me time for daily blog posts again. That being said, who knows how long this is going to last. I’m making no promises this time. No counting days. But I will try to write if I feel like it. And if I actually have something to say.

A lot happened in the past four months.

My stupid movie still isn’t finished. Though it will be within the next week. So this is probably the worst time to start blogging again, because I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep in the past days and that won’t change for another few. Last night I exported the .dpx sequence for the DCP. It’s 330 GB and almost 40.000 frames. Some VFX shots are still missing and the mix isn't done yet.

I’ve been sort of on and off dating a girl for more than half a year. We wrote a lot with each other on WhatsApp. So much in fact, that it sometimes felt to me like we were in some kind of relationship. We were so open to each other. She was the first person I talk to openly about sexuality. I was incredibly attracted to her. When we spent time together in rl, it was literally the highlight of the entire month for me. We just had a lot of fun together, we just clicked. At least so I thought.
This is a very short summarization, but I basically started falling in love with her and when I would tell her she would always push me away only to then meet me again after a while. Eventually we had yet another argument about things that happened in the past. I said regrettable things. I sometimes feel like I say nothing but regrettable things. She said she is not interested in a monogamous boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, which hurt a lot, because she had always given me that impression. (Or at least I thought so.) And then she told me that she never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again and we haven't had any contact since.
The more time passes the more I’m starting to realize that she might have made a really good decision for me there. I wanted to desperately stay friends and I would have allowed her to tear me apart. This entire experience has made me so depressed and caused so much emotional pain. Yet. I’m still not at a point where I could honestly say that I’m glad it’s over. I miss her.

In other news. I think I now have a girlfriend. Obviously not the person above. My first ever girlfriend. So, naturally I’m very scared of fucking it all up and really ending up hurting her. But. Idk. Maybe you have to make those mistakes to learn from them? It’s not like I’m madly in love, but that might come in time. And if it doesn’t, that’s ok too. She’s six years younger than me, we’re having sex, things are actually pretty great. I guess if I could voice on tiny little wish, it would be - I’d like to love her the same way I loved the girl that pushed me away.
Time will tell. I guess.

I’m changing the name of this blog to captain of my soul because I like the poem “Invictus” William Ernest Henley and anything is better than what this was called before.


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