captain of my soul

@captainofmysoul

Secret blog of a shy german film student, editor, colorist and cinephile.

Guestbook

The first date.

We met at my favourite Italian restaurant in my home town. She was a few minutes late. The first moments were really awkward. She approached me in perfect german, even though we had written on OkCupid in english for like almost a month. Turns out she was very insecure about her written german. One of the many quirks I would slowly learn about her.
We sat down, ordered food and she started talking. A lot.
Which, usually I like. Because quite frankly I've never been a talker, so I like people who "lead" the conversation. I enjoyed it, we laughed, we had awkward moments, we moved past them. But I was starting to realise two things.

First. It seemed like she didn't know a lot about me. She didn't remember a lot of what we had already written about online. She was constantly asking me if she had already told me this and that and asked me questions we had already written about.
Either she had really bad memory or she wasn't really that interested in me as a person or I was just one of many many other people she was writing with.

Second. She couldn't stay on ANY topic for more than five sentences. She was just spewing out topic after topic, opinion after opinion. She would ask me a question and not even wait for my answer but just keep talking and talking. It felt bipolar to me at the time. (Not that I even really know what the means. But I’m too tired to look it up right now;) I wanted to answer, "join" the one sided conversation, make it less of monologue so many times. But every other time I came up with an answer, she had already completely changed the topic. I was very frustrating. If felt like she hadn't talked to anyone in months. It felt like she hasn't felt this free in years. It felt like this was only about her.

I was starting to get the feeling that she was less interested in me as a person and more as a casual one night stand. And I didn't like that. I was a virgin at the time and I've to this day never been interested in one night stands. I need to get to know people first and one day or one week is just not enough for that.
In retrospect it feels like she was trying JUST SO HARD. To seem interesting or likeable, desirable. And it worked. She was interesting, incredibly experienced for her age, exciting, really fucking clever, so incredibly different to all the rest of my friends. I was fascinated by her. I guess I still am, in many ways. So I decided I’m going to keep trying. Get to know her. Make this … more.

Up to that point all dates I've ever been on, ended in saying goodbye when leaving the restaurant. This time I walked her to the next subway station. I even felt compelled to put my arm around her for a moment while walking. It just felt natural. I had never done that before. Once at the station she was hilariously confused when I told her that this is where our ways would separate. I guess she was really hoping for a different outcome of that night. We assured each other we wanted to meet again and left.

It was at that point the best date I had ever been on in my entire life. At least that's what I felt like at the time. Now I know that it was a date with somebody who does incredibly well at first dates. Who knows how to impress somebody. For a night. If I would have went on that date today, even just slightly more experienced than when I was then, things would have gotten intimate a lot faster.
But the thing is. Once I got to know her better, everything got so much more complicated. More complicated that you could ever fucking imagine. The next morning I had already asked her out for a second date.
I had no idea what I was in for.


You'll only receive email when captain of my soul publishes a new post

More from captain of my soul: