captain of my soul

@captainofmysoul

Secret blog of a shy german film student and cinephile.

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Darkening of the light.

Your life may feel out of control or under a dark spell for a time. This too shall pass. A veil of untruth makes things dark, but all hope is not lost. Yield to the darkness for a time, but be cautious of it. As the light dims your inner light grows more visible. You are light. Light is love. The Sun still shines behind its veil of clouds. It is the light inside that is ultimately important. With this knowledge you can survive any darkness outside.

The third date.

So. This is where things escalated.
One thing you have to understand is that the first two dates happened within less then a week. At that time I used to work in my home town and study in a different town two weeks at a time and another two weeks had just ended. But at this point I was absolutely enchanted by her. So I promised to come back the following weekend. We would in theory have three days to spend together. So, I'm back in my home town, I tell her I'm here, I ask her when she wants to meet and I don't really get a promising answer. She seems to avoid my question, she says she's not feeling well, she's busy, she has nobody to look after her kid and she keeps getting weirder. I came back on Friday noon. She didn't feel like meeting then, she actually canceled our date on Saturday so late that I had already been waiting for her in town for two hours.
All this time I was starting to wonder what was going on. All I felt was confusion and disappointment. And I try to be understanding. Those things happen, she's a young mother, she doesn't get a lot of sleep, how could I even be so selfish to expect her to see me?
Still. On Sunday I started to get a bit frustrated. So I write her that I'm going to be leaving town today. If she wants to see me, this is the last chance. Again. She says she's trying. But again, I never get a concrete answer. I have nothing better to do so I start buying bus tickets for all kinds of scenarios. Just to have one reserved

  • in case we don't see each other,
  • in case she does show up and can only stay a few hours
  • and one in case we meet, it gets really late and leaves on her last train home.

I basically just spent one half of three days watching movies in my bed waiting for her to write me when to meet, only to then spend another three halves waiting for her to cancel our date.
It's getting late, it's cold outside, I'm already in town because I have nothing better to do, I start wandering through streets, just waiting, waiting for something to happen. I write her that I’m going to leave now. And suddenly something happens. She finally responds. Which is unusual because she’d been very taciturn for the last few days. And what she writes takes my fucking breath away.

My parents are kicking me out
My dad told me to just kill myself
My brother said that he hates me
I don't know what to do any more
[…]
My brother beat me up
I'm just
I don't know where to go
[…]

In case I need to remind you. She’s just a bit older than 20, has no job, no german citizenship and a one year old.
I remember exactly where I was when she wrote this. It actually was quite a lovely old inner courtyard. I should maybe go there next time I’m back in my home town. Confront trauma and all …
By the way. When I say this took my breath away I mean it. I still remember the physical reaction I had reading all of this. I remember how cold it was. I remember how my hands started shaking, how I told myself it was just the cold temperature, how I had trouble breathing, how I had to sit down on a park bench for ten minutes just to calm myself down.

So. What was I supposed to do?
First of all. I was freezing. I had to get warm. I had to move. So I started to wander through my home town. Aimlessly. Not even looking where I was going, just focused on the OkCupid chat. I tried to find out if she was actually fucking serious. I tried to calm her down. I tried to be nice and understanding. I tried to be there. I started asking questions. Trying to find out where she was. If she and her child were in immediate danger. If they needed a place to stay for the night. If I should call the police. If I should come get them. Slowly trying to find out what was going on. Maybe I could help somehow. It took her forever to answer just a single question and she never answered half of them. She said she had phone phobia and calling was not an option. It was infuriating.

Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore, I was about to cry, it was cold, for the first time in an hour I looked up and realised I had to idea where I was. I had no idea what the fuck to do. So I called my best friend and told her everything. And fuck me I’m glad I did that. She saved me that day. She was there and I am so grateful that she was. We spoke on the phone for almost an hour. Meanwhile I kept texting, really still just trying to get a hold on the situation. My best friend suggested calling the hotline of a local women's shelter. So I did. They were very nice and understanding, but couldn’t help a lot. Obviously I didn’t give them any personal information about her. She would have to approach them herself anyway. I mean, tbh. I didn’t even knew her last name at the time. One thing the lady on the hotline said stayed with me to this day. “If I have any knowledge about a crime that has been committed, you have to tell the police.” Fuck that scared me. I didn't know what to do and what not to do. They gave me a few addresses and phone numbers I forwarded to my date. It made her extremely furious.

Fuck you
[…]
I asked you to
Not get involved
Can't you just do one fucking thing I ask of you?!
[…]
Please just leave me alone

This day was the single most dramatic day. Well. A least of this entire year. And this year was packed with so much drama:) I will never forget it and it will haunt me forever. She apologised a few hours later. We kept writing throughout the next few days and she gave me a lot more context on the whole situation. The short and highly censored version is: She has cPTSD from childhood trauma. It makes her panic a lot. That night she had an extreme panic attack. I wish I would have know that such a thing might happen ahead of time. The fact that she didn’t tell me is. Well. It should have been telling, in a way. She really wasn’t looking for anything serious, anything long term.

I never met her family. Maybe they really are a bunch of dicks, maybe they just can’t really deal with the mental illness of their daughter very well. Maybe she’s just not the family type. But I don’t think she was ever in any real danger that night. Even if her brain told her otherwise. Not that that would matter in the moment. Either way. She still lives with them to this day and as far as I can tell she’s now doing much better. But it took months for her to get there. Next time I would meet her would be in a mental hospital.


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