Secret blog of a shy german film student and cinephile.
29,772 words

190622 #100Days

Day 44. Maybe I shouldn't take drugs.


I don't understand Terry Gilliam. I don't find him funny. I'm constantly confused by his movies. I don't understand his characters. It's just so. Boring.
Sure. There's a lot of stuff happening in his movies. A lot of rather crazy shit to be exact. But if you don't care about the characters and don't know where any of this is supposed to be going.

I've seen a few of Gilliam's movies. I love Monty Python and I think Monty Python and the Holy Grail is absolutely fantastic! I watched Brazil ages ago and I remember mostly being confused, but since then I've hears good things about it. So maybe I'll watch it again. I guess 12 Monkeys was enjoyable. Because there was a premise. A goal. Something to look forward to.
Fear and Loathing is just a random ride through the desert filled with every kind of drug imaginable and few funny jokes. I really liked the almost spider like way Johnny Depp walked around. Probably the best part of the entire movie. That being said. I think watching that movie once is more than enough.

In other news.

It's hard to sit down and still take the time to write about your feelings when you're just tired and want to go to bed. I've recently been reminded by a family member suddenly entering in the process of dying, that - even though I don't like it and it makes me mad sometimes - we are all going to die. I should do more stuff. Live life to the fullest. Idk. I should care less about the future and exist in the now. I want to read more books, watch more movies, get shitfaced, fuck all night, see the world before it gets fucked up completely by climate change, get to know people, have fun, don't worry. Be happy.

190621 #100Days

Day 43.

Again. I didn't really felt like writing. Sorry. I'll try to get back to it tomorrow morning. I have the odd feeling that I might stop blogging soon. But I'm going to try to keep going! There are ups and downs. This is a major down. Survive it and things will get better. Until tomorrow. I promise.

190620 #100Days

Day 42. I have stomach aches.

Many things happened today. I might get around to write about them tomorrow. But since tomorrow is also going to be a long day, I'll go to bed early and just write this very quick note. I'm happy I have my family and I'm happy I have friends.

190619 #100Days

Day 41. Tomorrow is a public holiday!


Another one of those days where I have to wait for others to finish their shit before I can start my part. I finally got Avid‘s background rendering to work! It basically means I don‘t have to stare at a render bar for two hours a day but can just keep on working. So that‘s great.


So. Yesterdays date. I think it was another one of those dates where we had a good and calm conversation and also the only conversation we‘ll ever have in our life. She‘s 10+ years older and really wants to move back to the countryside. I‘m very much a city person. Other than that she‘s pretty great. I liked her.
I feel like I'm still pretty bad at having a normal conversation. Especially being interested in the other person, asking questions, that sort of thing. You know, the getting to know part. It's just really hard for me to come up with any good or suitable questions on the fly. Even if I though of certain questions or topics, I tend to forget them or never get to them once I'm sitting in front of the person. Well. Maybe the latter is actually a good sign. Like, at least it means we always had something to talk about.
Either way. She hasn't invited me back on another date. So I'm pretty sure there's not going to be another. Would I meet her again? Sure. Why not. Why didn't I ask her out again then? Because literally every time I've done that, the answer has been a polite no. So after the last "no" I decided that maybe this is the secret rule? Because in contrast, everyone I've been on at least a second date with, told me she wanted to meet again at the end of the first one. If you're reading this and think I'm wrong, please tell me I'm wrong.

190618 #100Days

Day 40. Monkeys and manuals.

So. These's this thing that I guess only happens when you work as a colorist in TV. You have to wait sometimes. Specifically when you work on a daily-show. This is usually due to the editing taking longer than expected, some technical problem or pending re-shoots.
Today I worked for three hours. Then there was nothing left to do. So I went home. Except I didn't, because I'll still have a date tonight and there's really no need for me to leave the city at this point. So right now I'm sitting in a nice little cafe in central Munich, pretending to work on important things, while in fact I'm just waiting for my MacBook's battery to run out.

I did manage to get hold of a few more logos by sponsors, that will get featured in our credits. One just had a pdf. So I cut it out in photoshop, but eventually lost motivation. I'll finish it later. That logo has already never looked so good, as it will in our credits.

I also prepared all documents for my taxes next year, because as I get older apparently thats the kind of bourgeois guy I am. I did some work for my final bachelor thesis, text and still from our movie. You can really tell I'm a film guy, because I really know my way around photoshop until I get to CMYK picture profiles for printing. It's a completely incomprehensible mess! I just can't find the correct profile.
Ah. You have to install it first. Sometimes, you just have to read the fucking manual.

I'm slowly getting the tiniest bit nervous about this date. I think I still try to have specific expectations. Like. She has to become my girlfriend or lover or something. And I think that's just not helpful. I should just take the person as who she is and if we like each other, we'll figure out who we might become. Still. It's hard to turn off that money brain of mine that just finally wants to find his mating partner for the rest of his life. I hate my monkey brain.
Well. I guess you're going to find out how this went by tomorrow. And if you don't she might have been a serial killer and I'm dead. "But she's only 1,50m short!" you say? - Yeah. That's her trick. That's why everybody is surprised when she sticks a tent-pole through your stomach!

190617 #100Days

Day 39. Went for a hike!

I just learned that you manually have to make guestbook entries public. And I have two very nice entries! Their also more then one month old. Upsi.
It feels weird to know that apparently people read this crap I squeeze into the internet. But I guess that's part of why I'm doing it. Sooo. Hi! Nice for you to be around. Don't take anything that I say too serious. I'm just another idiot on the internet;)

So, RUBBER is now officially on my watchlist. Will try to watch it soon. I think it has been recommended to me countless times already and what I know about it sort of reminds me of this short film by the guys that made Swiss Army Man. It's called "Interesting Ball":

Went hiking with my family today. I made use of the powers of baseball caps and sunscreen and I can proudly say: I don't have any kind of sunburn! See? It only took me a quater of a century and several sunstrokes to learn.
Tomorrow I'll have a very spontaneous date with that woman I wrote with on OKC. She's 37 and 1,5 Meters tall. Or short. I guess. I'll try not to expect anything at all, but I have an odd feeling that this is going to turn into an interesting story.

190616 #100Days

Day 38. Random confusing thoughts about my life.

Online dating. The more I use it the less I like it. People don't take it serious enough. It's this digital promise for a happier future, even if it's just for a night. Though. I guess I'm pretty sure I don't look nearly good enough for the latter. Because nobody has ever been interested in me sexually. Except for maybe one, but she's a different story entirely.

Somebody wrote to me on Okcupid yesterday and now she's basically telling me her entire life story. I think some people just use online dating to have somebody to talk to. To write with. To feel less alone.
She's ten years older than me and seems to know what she wants. And I'm currently contemplating how to tell her that I'm not that person. Maybe that's the one thing that changes when you get older? You accept who you are and what you are and especially what you're not. Or maybe that's just a thing that you have to learn yourself, whenever you're ready. I feel like I've met enough weird old people to know that age doesn't make you wise.

It's usually at this point in my thoughts where I start to have this overwhelming feeling that I'll never figure this out. I will never understand how people work. How love works. How intimacy, sex and affection works. I will end up just like my parents. Living together for the rest of their lives, with almost no friends, no sexuality, not loving each other - but not being strong enough do divorce either, working by day, watching TV or Netflix in the evening and constantly pretending to be ok. Except. I won't even find somebody to live with unhappy. I'll just die alone. I've entered this game way to late and now I'm so far behind. So why even bother. Just give up on happiness. Instead devote all of your time towards making movies. You chances of making a good movie is much higher than finding love!

And then I remind myself how far I've come. How I've never been on any date with anyone till this year! And this year I've been on what? Eleven? With eight women? I can still remember most of them quite vividly. How terribly excited I was. And how half a year later that had improved. How I learned not to pretend, not to overthink, not to "metagame" (think about the date is going while it's still happening) and to just be myself. Two of those women seemed to accept me and so far we're friends. Maybe something will come from it. Maybe not. Both is fine. I need to start to be even more open and honest with my friends. Only once I learn how to make my needs and wishes known to others, will they be able to help, if they can and want.

I'll continue with the online dating thing. Because it has made my life more interesting. I have made friends and I have stories to tell. And for now. This is positive. This is worth it.

190615 #100Days

Day 37. Finally weekend.

Yesterday wasn't even that busy of a day. But I think it was socially difficult. I met a lot of people, some at work, some friends and then family. And it was nice! But it was also exhausting. I didn't feel like writing yesterday. I read somewhere that for introverts being social is active work and requires their full attention. That's why their are particularly tired after social interaction and need some alone time to relax. I can see parts of that in my personality.

I started texting with two older women on Tinder. One 51 German and one 38 years old Russian lady. I guess I have this fantasy of having an affair with an older woman. I mean. What young unexperienced and severely underfucked guy doesn't? Anyway. I don't think it's going well. The Russian lady seems. Well. Not that intelligent. And the german one doesn't seem very interested. I have one 41 years old Match on okc. Maybe I should drop her a line?

I've been watching Money Heist. With english audio. It's not great - the audio. But I don't speak any Spanish at all and I don't want to waste my time reading subtitles. So I don't really have a choice. The show is ok. Very good at times, sometimes it's kinda weird, overdone and overly dramatic. It's not going to be my favorite show of all times and I'm almost certainly not going to watch the second season. But I will finish this one. I have nothing else to do tonight.

190614 #100Days

Day 36. Yeah. I‘m going to skip this one. Sorry.

190613 #100Days

Day 35.

I couldn't find the time to write today. If anybody still reads this. Hey. I hope you had a good day;)
Somebody sent me nudes today. That never happened to me before.

190612 #100Days

Day 34. Work.

So they did some workflow changes that lead to a pretty huge increase in render time. This means that I now have even less time to do my actual job and instead have to spend even more time worrying about rendering. It also means I'm going to spend a lot of time watching a bunch of render bars. SO, at least I should have enough time to write on this blog every day. Just turn your annoyances into opportunities, I guess?

It feels weird, being in a different town. Being so busy. I haven't been this busy in a while. I'm constantly nervous and I don't really know why. There are so many things to do still. My grandparents want to do stuff with me. My parents too. A friend. A horny lady friend. I'm managing composers and graphic designers for our film. All while trying to learn french every day, work out and write on this blog.
I know I'm complaining. I'm sorry. I know this is not a big deal. I know I'm going to manage. But. Yeah. That's whats on my mind right now.

190611 #100Days

Day 33. I'm working.

Yeah. I know. It's shocking. I actually have to work from time to time to pay the bills. And these days I work in german television as a colorist. It comes with it's ups and downs really. Everybody else who works here is at least 20 years older than me, lunch is free, they don't pay travel expenses (I'm mostly going by train and bus, so it's only like 150 Euros for an entire month, but still.), the show I work on is … well … bad. I don't watch it, I just fix it's colors. It pays ok. Just ok enough to be worth it driving to another city for a few weeks every so often.

I don't really have time to write more today. There's just a lot going on at the moment.

190610 #100Days

Day 32. Time is running short.

So. Here's the thing. I did watch some stuff last night and I might blog about it later. But starting tomorrow, I'll be working in a full-time day-job for the rest of the month. I will also try my best to start working out again every single day, learn french, listen to podcasts and I might still watch a movie every other day. I will hopefully find the time to do all of those things because I'm in a different city, where my family lives and I basically don't have any friend no more. So. No real social time, for this month. With a bunch of exceptions. Hopefully.

190609 #100Days

Day 31. Look at me! That's officially a month!


by the fantastic Charlie Brooker. This time it's only three episodes, just like the very first season from, how long has it been? 2011? I'm getting old. So. How was season five? I wouldn't say these episodes were bad. I actually thought they were pretty good! But. Well. They weren't Black Mirror Episodes. They didn't make you loose all hope in humanity. They weren't showing you how technology or the way humans use technology will eventually destroy all of our lives. They were pretty lighthearted. Almost nice to watch.

I used to be frustrated, shocked, almost depressed after certain Black Mirror episodes. They made me think for weeks. They inspired so many ideas for short films and stories. They stuck with you. But now, only one day after I watched them, I almost can't remember what all three were about.

Ok. So. I'm not going to look any of this up and just go from memory.
There was the one with Miley Cyrus, the one with the super realistic fighting game that turned into a digital love affair and there was the Uber hostage situation. The last one was definitely the most interesting. All of them were funny and nice to watch. But they all had nice and not Black Mirror like endings! Miley got saved by her doll, the two dudes can digitally bang once a month and well … he hostage didn't die?

I guess if I had to recommend one episode of this season it would still have to be "Smithereens", just because it basically takes place today, there is no new fancy technology needed and at the end of the day it's just about coming to terms with the errors and mistakes that we've made. Usually the simple stories are the better ones. No fancy CGI, no well known actors or pop stars, just a solid story that probably happens every other day somewhere on this planet.
Still. If you haven't seen any other Black Mirror episodes - please! Watch every other episode first. This is the most boring season. It's not bad. It's still entertaining. It's high budget. It looks good. But. It's just not as thought provoking as it used to be.

In other news.

All of our drone footage was captured at a very hight shutter speed. Like 1/8000. That's because our drones didn't have any ND Filters and aperture only went to f11. Because of this all the motion blur doesn't look natural at all. Or to be exact - there is none.
So today I'm testing several options on adding motion blur in post in combination with speeding up the shot to 150% because it just looks better. Currently I'm rendering a test file with like 10 different combinations of motion blur and optical flow effects and plan on watching this on every single monitor and beamer I can find in this flat. What I really need is a real cinema projector for these tests, but for now this will have to suffice.

190608 #100Days

Day 30. Days only become special if you make them special.

ROUGH NIGHT. Known on german Netflix as: GIRL'S NIGHT OUT.

Soooo. Obviously this wasn't my choice. Why would I ever pick this kind of a movie to watch? I was still working on our student film, when friends who remain unnamed decided to watch his. And to be honest. I was entertaining. Not thought provoking, not surprising, no high production value, no revolutionary characters. I was a solid Hollywood comedy movie. Just like any other.

I liked the Australian character, she was pretty hilarious. The actress, Kate McKinnon, did a pretty fantastic job. She also really reminded us of our flatmate;) The whole plot-line of Scarlett Johansson fiancée driving to her in the middle of the night was the worst part. It felt very forced. Like they desperately needed to get to an ending where both had to lovingly reunite. Same with the whole rushed marriage thing. Just another senseless feel-good ending. I guess that's Hollywood for you.

I'm guessing at least half of the 26 million dollar budget went to Scarlett Johansson, who really doesn't do anything than give the movie her name. That's how it always works. This movie would be nothing without her. Without Johansson this movie would have never been made.
I wouldn't watch this movie again. In a way, I have watched this movie a hundred times already.

Why I write about movies.

Because I'm a film student and I want to make my own feature films at some point in the future. Because I need to watch more movies, learn more about film history and currently try to watch at least one movie a day. So writing about them not only forces me to have something to write about, but also forces me to engage with the thing that I just watched. This doesn't have to be an in-depth analysis of all 90 minutes. But it should involve me having some sort of a opinion, me taking a stand for and against certain aspects of the movie and being able to explain them in a coherent way. This is how I will hopefully strengthen and improve my sense of what I believe to be a good movie and help me develop my own kind of esthetic. I don't just want to watch movies. I want to live movies!