Secret blog of a shy german cinephile.
34,827 words


Sooo. It’s been a while.
Like a third of an entire year.
Sorry about that.
I didn’t really expect anyone to read this, but apparently there’s at least one person. Hello there, reader. If you’re still here:) A bit annoying that Listed doesn’t give you any kind of notifications on guestbook entries.

— I miss your daily posts.

Aww. Thanks. I think I missed them too, in a way. I’ve only come to realize that now. Maybe a boy only has that much capacity to write in a day and I’ve just stopped writing with a person who once was very important to me. So a lost friendship gave me time for daily blog posts again. That being said, who knows how long this is going to last. I’m making no promises this time. No counting days. But I will try to write if I feel like it. And if I actually have something to say.

A lot happened in the past four months.

My stupid movie still isn’t finished. Though it will be within the next week. So this is probably the worst time to start blogging again, because I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep in the past days and that won’t change for another few. Last night I exported the .dpx sequence for the DCP. It’s 330 GB and almost 40.000 frames. Some VFX shots are still missing and the mix isn't done yet.

I’ve been sort of on and off dating a girl for more than half a year. We wrote a lot with each other on WhatsApp. So much in fact, that it sometimes felt to me like we were in some kind of relationship. We were so open to each other. She was the first person I talk to openly about sexuality. I was incredibly attracted to her. When we spent time together in rl, it was literally the highlight of the entire month for me. We just had a lot of fun together, we just clicked. At least so I thought.
This is a very short summarization, but I basically started falling in love with her and when I would tell her she would always push me away only to then meet me again after a while. Eventually we had yet another argument about things that happened in the past. I said regrettable things. I sometimes feel like I say nothing but regrettable things. She said she is not interested in a monogamous boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, which hurt a lot, because she had always given me that impression. (Or at least I thought so.) And then she told me that she never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again and we haven't had any contact since.
The more time passes the more I’m starting to realize that she might have made a really good decision for me there. I wanted to desperately stay friends and I would have allowed her to tear me apart. This entire experience has made me so depressed and caused so much emotional pain. Yet. I’m still not at a point where I could honestly say that I’m glad it’s over. I miss her.

In other news. I think I now have a girlfriend. Obviously not the person above. My first ever girlfriend. So, naturally I’m very scared of fucking it all up and really ending up hurting her. But. Idk. Maybe you have to make those mistakes to learn from them? It’s not like I’m madly in love, but that might come in time. And if it doesn’t, that’s ok too. She’s six years younger than me, we’re having sex, things are actually pretty great. I guess if I could voice on tiny little wish, it would be - I’d like to love her the same way I loved the girl that pushed me away.
Time will tell. I guess.

I’m changing the name of this blog to captain of my soul because I like the poem “Invictus” William Ernest Henley and anything is better than what this was called before.

The fourth person I fell in love with.

The fact that I am unable to form an opinion.

On whether

I really loved you
I did everything wrong
you were my first relationship
you never felt something for me
I will see you again
I hurt you more than you hurt me
all of this was fucking worth it
I want to forget

or not.

I never had so many questions,
conflicting feelings,
no answers.

It's like I'm wandering through a labyrinth and I don't even know if I want to find the exit.

I never felt like this before.
It's scary.
I don't like it.

Is this what life always feels like when you add love, relationships and all those things into the mix?
How long will it take for me to start laughing about this?

190708 #100Days

Day 63.

Oh hi there! I forgot to write today. I'm considering just not doing these apology blog posts. And just blog wherever I actually have something to say in the future. Did a special HIIT workout yesterday. Everything still hurts.

190707 #100Days

Day 62. Filmmaking.

So today he spontaneously decided to try to capture on last shot for out title-sequence. And I think we failed. But we found the perfect location for it and just need to revisit it again another time. Still. Very busy and stressful day. I'll go to sleep now.

190706 #100Days

Day 61. Emotions.


by Paul Thomas Anderson.
This one reminded me of Inherent Vice a lot. It has great actors delivering fantastic performances, great cinematography, interesting times and places, fascinating ideas and concepts. I'm just. Idk.
I just didn't enjoy it as much as I though I would. There was something missing. And I can't quite put my finger on what it is. I was somewhat distracted by some weird emotions that I'll get to later. So maybe I wasn't focused 100% on the movie. Only like 95%. But still. That should have been enough.

It's really hard to describe what I didn't like. Or why. I understood all the characters. They were complex at times, but always made sense to me. I liked how real it all felt. Freddy's self-destructive life story as a bunch of weird but well meaning cultists try to help him to get better.
Maybe I was just missing a bigger or more satisfying ending. But at the same time I fully understand and stand behind the current ending. It felt right. It fits. Maybe that's just all that's to my confusion. Maybe my simple little mind just needs a simple and satisfying happy ending and this movie just couldn't give that to me. I wish I wouldn't be that dull sometimes. Some movies have mediocre ending that are more designed to get you thinking. And that's ok.

I also sometimes feel like I'm just not intelligent enough, or old enough, or mature enough to understand some movies. Maybe I'll have to revisit this one ten years from now. Maybe I'll have some answers by then. So to summarize: As always with PTA, I think this was a fantastic movie. I might just have to watch it again in a decade, just to make sure.

In other news.

I cooled down in Germany. T though. But today it going to have 30 degrees Celsius again. Fuck. Yesterday I keep writing with that girl I really like. We met like three times already and well. Difficult backstory. For now you just need to know: I'm fascinated by her character, her endurance and her knowledge, I think she's very attractive and I feel very drawn to her. Yesterday we texted a lot about masturbation and sex. And I did something I couldn't see myself doing even just a month ago. I told her the truth. I told her that I'm a virgin.
The psychologist inside me is very proud and thinks that this is a very important step, opening up to other people, making your feelings and desires know. The coward inside me worries that, even though she reacted very quickly and quite nicely, she has now lost any kind of interest in me. That is. Sexually. Romantically? Idk. I guess time will tell if he's right. For the time being I'm just going to pretend that everything is just fine and normal and I'm happy and satisfied. Like I've been doing for the past 15 years.
Either-way. However this is going to affect our friendship. And I do think that this will only deepen our friendship. No matter if we will ever cuddle and kiss and maybe even get more intimate. I will grow from this. And at the end of the day. That's all that matters.

190705 #100Days

Day 60. How to sell clothes online (Fast)

Yeah no. I'm not actually going to explain that to you. I don't have any answers! It's just a reference to a german Netflix show I haven't watched.
Didn't watch a movie yesterday. I cleaned our entire flat and started photographing clothes and props from our movie that we don't need any more to sell them online. I'll continue to make photos today. It's actually quite a lot of stuff and because I know the tiniest bit about photography, I put way too much effort into those pictures. And I'm not very confident that a lot of people are going to be interested in it. Anyways. We'll find out.

I started to do seven minute workouts again and I'm going to try to keep that up for now. Like once a day. At some point maybe twice a day. At least that's my plan now. Let's see how it works out.

190704 #100Days

Day 59. Bergman did it again!


By Ingmar Bergman.
So. This one is good. Again very very good. Also very sad and grim and hopeless. Frustrating at times. Every time you think it can't get any worse it still gets worse. This is one of the best anti war movies I have ever seen. And again. Really. It's so simple. Just show how war affects civilians. Yet for some fucking reason most anti war movies I've see always seem to circle around soldiers fighting. Being heroic. Saving people. Because after all in any war there are always good and bad soldiers. Right?

Nope. I love that the movie doesn't even try to take a side. Never even explains who is fighting who for what and why. There's just the army that currently occupies the island and the other army that tries to take over the island. Trapped in-between are the citizens. unpolitical, uninterested in the reasons, just waiting for it all to finally end while they hope to survive.

There are some explosions, gunfire and action in this movie. But it's over so quickly! I love how it's not portrayed as "cool" whatsoever. In any contemporary movie those explosions and action sequences would have lasted for minutes, there would have been slow motion and CGI and all the cool things! Here it's over in a few seconds. It feels brutal. Unforgiving. Real.

And then there's the relationship between the two main characters. And this is the only part where I struggle with the story. Maybe it's because I've never really been in a long term relationship or maybe it's just what war does to people. But. There are some confusing character choices that I just don't understand. At least towards the end. Like. When the Mayor has sex with the wife? I guess we never see it. At least makes out with her. I completely understand that when the Mayor later needs his money back to survive the husband refuses to give it back. To have his revenge. But I expected him to give in at any point. Instead he actually accepts the fact that the soldiers raid and burn their entire little farm and he even personally fucking shoots the Mayor dead?! That. That just felt off character to me. Like. I don't know how we got there. What made him do it. And from then on it's just as confusing. Why does she stay with him till the end and why does he just continue to be a cold blooded killer all of a sudden.

I guess she didn't really have anybody else left. To follow, to be with. And even if they don't love each other anymore they still need each other. They also sort of switched roles. While at the beginning of the movie he was the passive one and she gave all the orders, now he makes all the (bad) choices. But at least he makes them?
What get's people to a point where they decide that killing somebody is the only option they have? Maybe this was the intention. To spark those kind of thoughts inside my head. Would I really have done it differently in his place? I think so. But that's easy to say while I'm sitting comfortably on this giant couch full of colorful pillows. I hope I never have to be in a war. I hope Europe stays as peaceful and relatively friendly towards each other and the rest of the world than in the last seventy years.

I like the ending. It's open but quite hopeless and that's only fitting for this movie. Shame it definitely worth a watch, though I'm confused about the last like 20 minutes. But it's a really good movie!

190703 #100Days

Day 58. Look at me! I watched two movies!

Through a Glass Darkly

By Ingmar Bergman.
So. I'm not going to lie. I didn't expect this. But this was.
Good. Like actually really fucking good! Like. Holy shit. This movie was shot in 1961!
It has amazing characters! They felt real! They felt right.! Just four great actors on an island. That's all you need for a good story.
Just the way they lied to each other, pretended to be fine and then slowly started to loosen and be more honest and vulnerable. The way everybody got his moment. The essential questions and the different ways everybody deals with them, but still accepts each other. This one also hit a lot closer than I expected. The topic of being with somebody who has a mental disorder and the topic of living with somebody who is slowly dying from a seemingly untreatable illness. I had tears in my eyes at the end.
So would I watch this movie again? Yes. Yes! I'd love to! This was fantastic!

The Front Page

by Billy Wilder. It's from 1931. That's so old! And it still looks so good. As in quality of the picture.
So. I think I haven't really seen a bad film by Wilder. This one was ok. A bit to sexist. Too many men. The few women in the film were servants, prostitutes or a somewhat silly wife. I liked the absurd plot. The insanely manipulative newspaper boss, who just doesn't want to loose his best journalist to such a ridiculous thing as marriage. The rolltop desk bit was pretty funny.
The movie was enjoyable but I don't think I'll have to watch it again.

190702 #100Days

Day 57. Have I mentioned that it's pretty hot?

I have to go in 15 minutes and we're going to shoot one more simple plate for a VFX-Shot. So this is going to be a speed run. What's on my mind?
A girl. I've been texting with her a lot over the past few months, we met again two weeks ago and I'm starting to really like her. I also miss her a lot. I also want to hug her. A lot. While naked.
And you know what's the crazy part? I'm pretty sure she feels very similar towards me. And I don't think that ever really happened to me. I don't think I'm in love. I don't even think I want to be. For now. I just want to spend more time with her. But. We live in different cities right now. I'll probably see her again in more than a month. And that's a long time when it comes to feelings.

Anything else that keeps spooking around my head? I haven't felt very healthy and fit for the last few days. I think it's mostly just the heat. I was also surrounded by ill people and my immune system probably had to cope with a lot. I've been meaning to do more sport, but it's sooo hot! I also want to get into the habit of watching a movie every single day again. I saw that there was some sort of weird new project by PTA on Netflix. I'll check that out later today. I think I heard by flatmate crying this morning, but she already left. I'm going to have to ask her about that later.

190701 #100Days

Day 56. It still hot.

Busy day. Much to do. Tomorrow too. But at least I'll get some sleep tomorrow morning. But I might at the very least get to watch a movie tomorrow evening. If I can endure it while it's this hot.

190630 #100Days

Day 55. It hot.

Moved cities again today. Have to do a presentation tomorrow. I wound't say I'm scared, just ill prepared. I'm rehearsing best I can. Either way. Tomorrow is going to be uncomfortable. It's just too hot. My brain can't function at these temperatures. It doesn't even get cold enough at night. I'll take any summer over any winter day, but this is starting to get to me.

Oh. LORN just released a new album. ( So I guess I'll be listening to more deeply depressing but beautiful music tonight.
UPDATE: By far his least depressive album. Very short, but to the point. I like it.

190629 #100Days

Day 51. Alien in our minds!

Event Horizon

by the guy who did all the Resident Evil movies. Anderson Something. This got recommended to me by a good friend, as a quote "really good but deeply flawed movie". And she was correct. I think this could have been good. But it wasn't.

This movie was basically Alien. But the Alien is in their mind.
A hand full of mostly unqualified people visit in a giant space structure and encounter a seemingly evil alien presence. Running around in narrow futuristic hallways. The inside of the ship looks so much like in Alien. Part sterile and modern, part dark and industrial and the alien part black and with intricate details.

From a story structure point of view, I was confused about our main character turning into the de factor villain. It just feels weird to switch main characters halfway through the movie. I liked Fishburne. I think he should have been our main character from the beginning.

I'm writing this two days after I watched the movie and I've already forgotten all of the other side characters. They just weren't memorable enough. Well. I don't remember how many there were. I remember the guy who tried to kill himself in the airlock and the woman that keeps seeing her son. But none of the seemed like particularly interesting characters. I never cared about them. Just in general this movie is very much tell don't show. It's not particularly subtle about anything. The plot just gets explained again and again. Just to make absolutely sure that we're following along.

Sidenote: In Interstellar Nolan just copied the fold paper and stick a pen through it explanation from this movie! I mean. I guess it's a good explanation. I forgive you, Chris.

Event Horizon is trying to be alien. When what it should have been doing is to try to be something else. Something new. I really like the premise. But I think most of the flaws must have already been in the script. I can't recommend this movie unless you'd want to study the script and try to come up with a better plot. I think that could be interesting. Give Patrick (H) Willems a week to come up with a better version.
But if you're not Patrick. Just rewatch Alien.

190628 #100Days

Day 50. That's halfway there!

Had a very busy day. Finished early at work but had to take care of some stuff for our movie. The next three days will be filled with travel and stress and junk food. I might still have time to write because of the traveling. Heatwave is easing out. Ice-cream is tasty. Life is good.

190627 #100Days

Day 49. Still very hot in Germany.

Didn't really have any time to write today. Had some nice conversations with friends. Both in person and on WhatsApp. I've been listening to the audiobook of Anne Franks Diary. I've been watching movies. Life is good. It's supposedly going to get a lot colder tonight. I'm not feeling any of that so far. Let's hope for the sweaty best.

190626 #100Days

Day 48. Heatwave.

It's very hot in Germany these days. 35 to 40 degrees Celsius. I have air conditioning at work but not at home and trouble falling asleep when it's this fucking hot. So I decided to write this text in the basement. The only place where you can cool off. Also. Incredibly. With a wifi signal. It's just a bit smelly, dusty and well, old down here. Old books and football magazines collected over the past 50 years by my grandfather, traditional Bavarian beer mugs again collected by my grandpa. A old computer running windows 95, german tin soldiers, paintings and whatever random stuff my grandmother allowed my family to store down here. But really. This is mostly my grandfathers stuff. My grandma prefers to own less and live in a clean house. I'm inclined to agree with her.
Life changes with these temperatures. Suddenly it becomes really important to always carry water with you. A hat too and sunscreen. You make sure to open and close your windows at the correct time of day to reduce the amount of hot air inside.
Fuck. Why haven't I thought of this sooner? It's genuinely really comfortable down here! I might just stay and watch a movie.