Secret blog of a shy german film student and cinephile.
29,772 words

190702 #100Days

Day 57. Have I mentioned that it's pretty hot?

I have to go in 15 minutes and we're going to shoot one more simple plate for a VFX-Shot. So this is going to be a speed run. What's on my mind?
A girl. I've been texting with her a lot over the past few months, we met again two weeks ago and I'm starting to really like her. I also miss her a lot. I also want to hug her. A lot. While naked.
And you know what's the crazy part? I'm pretty sure she feels very similar towards me. And I don't think that ever really happened to me. I don't think I'm in love. I don't even think I want to be. For now. I just want to spend more time with her. But. We live in different cities right now. I'll probably see her again in more than a month. And that's a long time when it comes to feelings.

Anything else that keeps spooking around my head? I haven't felt very healthy and fit for the last few days. I think it's mostly just the heat. I was also surrounded by ill people and my immune system probably had to cope with a lot. I've been meaning to do more sport, but it's sooo hot! I also want to get into the habit of watching a movie every single day again. I saw that there was some sort of weird new project by PTA on Netflix. I'll check that out later today. I think I heard by flatmate crying this morning, but she already left. I'm going to have to ask her about that later.

190701 #100Days

Day 56. It still hot.

Busy day. Much to do. Tomorrow too. But at least I'll get some sleep tomorrow morning. But I might at the very least get to watch a movie tomorrow evening. If I can endure it while it's this hot.

190630 #100Days

Day 55. It hot.

Moved cities again today. Have to do a presentation tomorrow. I wound't say I'm scared, just ill prepared. I'm rehearsing best I can. Either way. Tomorrow is going to be uncomfortable. It's just too hot. My brain can't function at these temperatures. It doesn't even get cold enough at night. I'll take any summer over any winter day, but this is starting to get to me.

Oh. LORN just released a new album. ( So I guess I'll be listening to more deeply depressing but beautiful music tonight.
UPDATE: By far his least depressive album. Very short, but to the point. I like it.

190629 #100Days

Day 51. Alien in our minds!

Event Horizon

by the guy who did all the Resident Evil movies. Anderson Something. This got recommended to me by a good friend, as a quote "really good but deeply flawed movie". And she was correct. I think this could have been good. But it wasn't.

This movie was basically Alien. But the Alien is in their mind.
A hand full of mostly unqualified people visit in a giant space structure and encounter a seemingly evil alien presence. Running around in narrow futuristic hallways. The inside of the ship looks so much like in Alien. Part sterile and modern, part dark and industrial and the alien part black and with intricate details.

From a story structure point of view, I was confused about our main character turning into the de factor villain. It just feels weird to switch main characters halfway through the movie. I liked Fishburne. I think he should have been our main character from the beginning.

I'm writing this two days after I watched the movie and I've already forgotten all of the other side characters. They just weren't memorable enough. Well. I don't remember how many there were. I remember the guy who tried to kill himself in the airlock and the woman that keeps seeing her son. But none of the seemed like particularly interesting characters. I never cared about them. Just in general this movie is very much tell don't show. It's not particularly subtle about anything. The plot just gets explained again and again. Just to make absolutely sure that we're following along.

Sidenote: In Interstellar Nolan just copied the fold paper and stick a pen through it explanation from this movie! I mean. I guess it's a good explanation. I forgive you, Chris.

Event Horizon is trying to be alien. When what it should have been doing is to try to be something else. Something new. I really like the premise. But I think most of the flaws must have already been in the script. I can't recommend this movie unless you'd want to study the script and try to come up with a better plot. I think that could be interesting. Give Patrick (H) Willems a week to come up with a better version.
But if you're not Patrick. Just rewatch Alien.

190628 #100Days

Day 50. That's halfway there!

Had a very busy day. Finished early at work but had to take care of some stuff for our movie. The next three days will be filled with travel and stress and junk food. I might still have time to write because of the traveling. Heatwave is easing out. Ice-cream is tasty. Life is good.

190627 #100Days

Day 49. Still very hot in Germany.

Didn't really have any time to write today. Had some nice conversations with friends. Both in person and on WhatsApp. I've been listening to the audiobook of Anne Franks Diary. I've been watching movies. Life is good. It's supposedly going to get a lot colder tonight. I'm not feeling any of that so far. Let's hope for the sweaty best.

190626 #100Days

Day 48. Heatwave.

It's very hot in Germany these days. 35 to 40 degrees Celsius. I have air conditioning at work but not at home and trouble falling asleep when it's this fucking hot. So I decided to write this text in the basement. The only place where you can cool off. Also. Incredibly. With a wifi signal. It's just a bit smelly, dusty and well, old down here. Old books and football magazines collected over the past 50 years by my grandfather, traditional Bavarian beer mugs again collected by my grandpa. A old computer running windows 95, german tin soldiers, paintings and whatever random stuff my grandmother allowed my family to store down here. But really. This is mostly my grandfathers stuff. My grandma prefers to own less and live in a clean house. I'm inclined to agree with her.
Life changes with these temperatures. Suddenly it becomes really important to always carry water with you. A hat too and sunscreen. You make sure to open and close your windows at the correct time of day to reduce the amount of hot air inside.
Fuck. Why haven't I thought of this sooner? It's genuinely really comfortable down here! I might just stay and watch a movie.

190625 #100Days

Day 47.


Phff. … I mean.
I kept watching. … So I guess it wasn‘t that … horrible.
But. I have to say. I don‘t think I ever skipped through so much dialogue because I was so bored.

I think it was a mistake to watch this show in english. Pretty sure that took a lot of the nuance and detail away. As it always does when your not watching the original. But I would not have made it through 20 episodes of Spanish people yelling at each other while desperately trying to read along in english subtitles. So. I couldn't possibly list all my grudges with this show. But I have to mention some. Where to start?

The special forces porn. I don‘t know what else to call this. There are just way too many SWAT units running around, driving in their military vehicles equipped with miniguns. All of this accompanied by way too dramatic over the top epic rock music. And I used to love this. I used to be a huge fan of this shit. When I was 12!
I mean. Half of all youtube videos are boys running around with fake guns. Only when you‘re older you start to realize that movies have been lying to you. You start to understand that running around screaming and holding guns in peoples faces is not cool. It‘s traumatizing as fuck. For everybody involved. I doesn't make the filmmakers look good and it doesn't make the police look good either.

The whole justification about how the robbers aren't really evil because they're not stealing anybody's money but print their own sounds like the argument of a five year old. Technically "not stealing" doesn't make it right. Just because somebody else gets something illegally for free, doesn't mean you are allowed to also take that thing, by force if need be. This is not even a Robin Hood kind of story. They are all planning on keeping their money for themselves!

And it feels very unrealistic for the detective to just suddenly accept the professors reasons. It all just happens too fast and it‘s not convincing.
This show is from Spain and there is obviously some real hate and disgust present in the public. Against banks, bankers and the super rich. And I get that and I probably agree with them. But to just use that as a cheap excuse to fit in the story that you want to tell seems too easy.

The epilog was too short. You can‘t build up our interest in all eight heist members (heist members? robbers? bad boys and girls? are we the baddies?) and the just show the epilogue of a single one. Granted. It's the most important. But even Bourne Identity did this scene so much better. Like. Tokio has been our narrator throughout the entire fucking show and we don‘t even get to see what happens to her? We just see her walk of in a crazy ass outfit and that‘s it? What happened to all the hostages? Did they get their million after all? How would that even work? What about Arturo? He was probably the most annoying character of the entire show. Which means he was either really badly written or really good. And tbh. I'm not entirely sure. He made dumb choices, but at least he was consistent with that. What about him? How does his story end?

I guess what I would be almost more interested in is sort of the GRRM approach to the story. I want to see if they are happy now, if they lived happily ever after or if they spent all their money within the first week in the Caribbean. Or just had to do another heist, just for the adrenaline.

Oh god. There's going to be another season. That just sounds like a bad idea. They would have to come up with a completely new heist? That's just. You can't top that. I would never accept that Job as a writer. That's just setting yourself up for failure.
Well. I'm not going to be there to watch it. Sorry. I don't really have a lot of positive stuff to say about this show. I guess between GoT, Westworld and Chernobyl I'm just used to a different level of show. A HBO level.

190624 #100Days

Day 46.

It wasn't a date. And that's ok. For now. I wish I could spend more time with her though. I miss her already. I feel accepted by her.
Weird people tend to accept each other, I guess.

190623 #100Days

Day 45. Not a date.

Tomorrow I'll meet with a relatively new female friend. We met through online dating and quite frankly I'm not entirely sure if this is going to be a date or not. I guess I'm going to find out. Then again. I think the rule here should be: Only if both parties agree before they meet that it's going to be a date. Only then, it actually is a date.
So. This is not a date. Still. I'm fine with a bit of fooling around. Nothing serious. If she's into it. After all, the greatest two dates I ever had, I had with her. Also the single worst. But mostly I'm just excited to see her again after two months. We've been texting a lot, like almost every day. So we'll now have to cross that awkward line of very good online friends becoming real life friends again. And I'm excited to see how that works out. Also. She has a kid that I never met before. So that's going to be weird.
I don't do well with kids. Well. Actually that's not true. I just don't do kids. I haven't talked or had any sort of contact with kids in years. So I have no idea how to even approach a child. Do I say hi? Do I just ignore it and talk to the mother? Do I go all in and right up into it's dumb little face and try to tell it how cute it is? Am I overthinking this?
This is what goes on in my head every day, every fucking minute of every day, whenever I have to spend time, not just with kids, but just people. Overthinking has never made things easier, especially when it happens in the heat of the moment, in the middle of a conversation. But without it I would be lost and even more awkward as well. I would just spontaneously make all the wrong choices. Either way I'll be an awkward mess.
I'm just happy that some people still accept me. I'm happy I have friends.

190622 #100Days

Day 44. Maybe I shouldn't take drugs.


I don't understand Terry Gilliam. I don't find him funny. I'm constantly confused by his movies. I don't understand his characters. It's just so. Boring.
Sure. There's a lot of stuff happening in his movies. A lot of rather crazy shit to be exact. But if you don't care about the characters and don't know where any of this is supposed to be going.

I've seen a few of Gilliam's movies. I love Monty Python and I think Monty Python and the Holy Grail is absolutely fantastic! I watched Brazil ages ago and I remember mostly being confused, but since then I've hears good things about it. So maybe I'll watch it again. I guess 12 Monkeys was enjoyable. Because there was a premise. A goal. Something to look forward to.
Fear and Loathing is just a random ride through the desert filled with every kind of drug imaginable and few funny jokes. I really liked the almost spider like way Johnny Depp walked around. Probably the best part of the entire movie. That being said. I think watching that movie once is more than enough.

In other news.

It's hard to sit down and still take the time to write about your feelings when you're just tired and want to go to bed. I've recently been reminded by a family member suddenly entering in the process of dying, that - even though I don't like it and it makes me mad sometimes - we are all going to die. I should do more stuff. Live life to the fullest. Idk. I should care less about the future and exist in the now. I want to read more books, watch more movies, get shitfaced, fuck all night, see the world before it gets fucked up completely by climate change, get to know people, have fun, don't worry. Be happy.

190621 #100Days

Day 43.

Again. I didn't really felt like writing. Sorry. I'll try to get back to it tomorrow morning. I have the odd feeling that I might stop blogging soon. But I'm going to try to keep going! There are ups and downs. This is a major down. Survive it and things will get better. Until tomorrow. I promise.

190620 #100Days

Day 42. I have stomach aches.

Many things happened today. I might get around to write about them tomorrow. But since tomorrow is also going to be a long day, I'll go to bed early and just write this very quick note. I'm happy I have my family and I'm happy I have friends.

190619 #100Days

Day 41. Tomorrow is a public holiday!


Another one of those days where I have to wait for others to finish their shit before I can start my part. I finally got Avid‘s background rendering to work! It basically means I don‘t have to stare at a render bar for two hours a day but can just keep on working. So that‘s great.


So. Yesterdays date. I think it was another one of those dates where we had a good and calm conversation and also the only conversation we‘ll ever have in our life. She‘s 10+ years older and really wants to move back to the countryside. I‘m very much a city person. Other than that she‘s pretty great. I liked her.
I feel like I'm still pretty bad at having a normal conversation. Especially being interested in the other person, asking questions, that sort of thing. You know, the getting to know part. It's just really hard for me to come up with any good or suitable questions on the fly. Even if I though of certain questions or topics, I tend to forget them or never get to them once I'm sitting in front of the person. Well. Maybe the latter is actually a good sign. Like, at least it means we always had something to talk about.
Either way. She hasn't invited me back on another date. So I'm pretty sure there's not going to be another. Would I meet her again? Sure. Why not. Why didn't I ask her out again then? Because literally every time I've done that, the answer has been a polite no. So after the last "no" I decided that maybe this is the secret rule? Because in contrast, everyone I've been on at least a second date with, told me she wanted to meet again at the end of the first one. If you're reading this and think I'm wrong, please tell me I'm wrong.

190618 #100Days

Day 40. Monkeys and manuals.

So. These's this thing that I guess only happens when you work as a colorist in TV. You have to wait sometimes. Specifically when you work on a daily-show. This is usually due to the editing taking longer than expected, some technical problem or pending re-shoots.
Today I worked for three hours. Then there was nothing left to do. So I went home. Except I didn't, because I'll still have a date tonight and there's really no need for me to leave the city at this point. So right now I'm sitting in a nice little cafe in central Munich, pretending to work on important things, while in fact I'm just waiting for my MacBook's battery to run out.

I did manage to get hold of a few more logos by sponsors, that will get featured in our credits. One just had a pdf. So I cut it out in photoshop, but eventually lost motivation. I'll finish it later. That logo has already never looked so good, as it will in our credits.

I also prepared all documents for my taxes next year, because as I get older apparently thats the kind of bourgeois guy I am. I did some work for my final bachelor thesis, text and still from our movie. You can really tell I'm a film guy, because I really know my way around photoshop until I get to CMYK picture profiles for printing. It's a completely incomprehensible mess! I just can't find the correct profile.
Ah. You have to install it first. Sometimes, you just have to read the fucking manual.

I'm slowly getting the tiniest bit nervous about this date. I think I still try to have specific expectations. Like. She has to become my girlfriend or lover or something. And I think that's just not helpful. I should just take the person as who she is and if we like each other, we'll figure out who we might become. Still. It's hard to turn off that money brain of mine that just finally wants to find his mating partner for the rest of his life. I hate my monkey brain.
Well. I guess you're going to find out how this went by tomorrow. And if you don't she might have been a serial killer and I'm dead. "But she's only 1,50m short!" you say? - Yeah. That's her trick. That's why everybody is surprised when she sticks a tent-pole through your stomach!

190617 #100Days

Day 39. Went for a hike!

I just learned that you manually have to make guestbook entries public. And I have two very nice entries! Their also more then one month old. Upsi.
It feels weird to know that apparently people read this crap I squeeze into the internet. But I guess that's part of why I'm doing it. Sooo. Hi! Nice for you to be around. Don't take anything that I say too serious. I'm just another idiot on the internet;)

So, RUBBER is now officially on my watchlist. Will try to watch it soon. I think it has been recommended to me countless times already and what I know about it sort of reminds me of this short film by the guys that made Swiss Army Man. It's called "Interesting Ball":

Went hiking with my family today. I made use of the powers of baseball caps and sunscreen and I can proudly say: I don't have any kind of sunburn! See? It only took me a quater of a century and several sunstrokes to learn.
Tomorrow I'll have a very spontaneous date with that woman I wrote with on OKC. She's 37 and 1,5 Meters tall. Or short. I guess. I'll try not to expect anything at all, but I have an odd feeling that this is going to turn into an interesting story.

190616 #100Days

Day 38. Random confusing thoughts about my life.

Online dating. The more I use it the less I like it. People don't take it serious enough. It's this digital promise for a happier future, even if it's just for a night. Though. I guess I'm pretty sure I don't look nearly good enough for the latter. Because nobody has ever been interested in me sexually. Except for maybe one, but she's a different story entirely.

Somebody wrote to me on Okcupid yesterday and now she's basically telling me her entire life story. I think some people just use online dating to have somebody to talk to. To write with. To feel less alone.
She's ten years older than me and seems to know what she wants. And I'm currently contemplating how to tell her that I'm not that person. Maybe that's the one thing that changes when you get older? You accept who you are and what you are and especially what you're not. Or maybe that's just a thing that you have to learn yourself, whenever you're ready. I feel like I've met enough weird old people to know that age doesn't make you wise.

It's usually at this point in my thoughts where I start to have this overwhelming feeling that I'll never figure this out. I will never understand how people work. How love works. How intimacy, sex and affection works. I will end up just like my parents. Living together for the rest of their lives, with almost no friends, no sexuality, not loving each other - but not being strong enough do divorce either, working by day, watching TV or Netflix in the evening and constantly pretending to be ok. Except. I won't even find somebody to live with unhappy. I'll just die alone. I've entered this game way to late and now I'm so far behind. So why even bother. Just give up on happiness. Instead devote all of your time towards making movies. You chances of making a good movie is much higher than finding love!

And then I remind myself how far I've come. How I've never been on any date with anyone till this year! And this year I've been on what? Eleven? With eight women? I can still remember most of them quite vividly. How terribly excited I was. And how half a year later that had improved. How I learned not to pretend, not to overthink, not to "metagame" (think about the date is going while it's still happening) and to just be myself. Two of those women seemed to accept me and so far we're friends. Maybe something will come from it. Maybe not. Both is fine. I need to start to be even more open and honest with my friends. Only once I learn how to make my needs and wishes known to others, will they be able to help, if they can and want.

I'll continue with the online dating thing. Because it has made my life more interesting. I have made friends and I have stories to tell. And for now. This is positive. This is worth it.

190615 #100Days

Day 37. Finally weekend.

Yesterday wasn't even that busy of a day. But I think it was socially difficult. I met a lot of people, some at work, some friends and then family. And it was nice! But it was also exhausting. I didn't feel like writing yesterday. I read somewhere that for introverts being social is active work and requires their full attention. That's why their are particularly tired after social interaction and need some alone time to relax. I can see parts of that in my personality.

I started texting with two older women on Tinder. One 51 German and one 38 years old Russian lady. I guess I have this fantasy of having an affair with an older woman. I mean. What young unexperienced and severely underfucked guy doesn't? Anyway. I don't think it's going well. The Russian lady seems. Well. Not that intelligent. And the german one doesn't seem very interested. I have one 41 years old Match on okc. Maybe I should drop her a line?

I've been watching Money Heist. With english audio. It's not great - the audio. But I don't speak any Spanish at all and I don't want to waste my time reading subtitles. So I don't really have a choice. The show is ok. Very good at times, sometimes it's kinda weird, overdone and overly dramatic. It's not going to be my favorite show of all times and I'm almost certainly not going to watch the second season. But I will finish this one. I have nothing else to do tonight.

190614 #100Days

Day 36. Yeah. I‘m going to skip this one. Sorry.

190613 #100Days

Day 35.

I couldn't find the time to write today. If anybody still reads this. Hey. I hope you had a good day;)
Somebody sent me nudes today. That never happened to me before.